Chocolatl
by Rogan (Member) - published: December 16, 2004
Word Count: 250 Word Bytes: 1725 Viewed: 1764 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Rogan

9.19

(31 votes)

Rating	Rated by

10	Bartleby

8	Boy Howdy

9	Clairesbest

9	Cynical_Scribe

8	Demeter

9	DieBaronHobskew..

10	Earenhylle

9	EverybodyElsesG..

10	Georgie

8	GibsonGirl

10	GreyButterCups

8	hazelfaern

10	Idomis

9	JEANNIE45

10	Jessicanm

10	Juniper

10	Lance

8	londongrey

10	Missanthropy

10	nae411

10	Penelope

9	Peresphones28

9	PETERPAULINO

9	rainierthisyear

10	rcallaci

8	Spudley

8	strangedaze

9	tadriendra

10	Teflon

10	Viper9

8	williamhill

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Author's Note:

Here's a sweet poem, choc-o-fun with a bit of of history. Enjoy!

When Tlaloc snapped his rain,
In sheets across the plains,
Good growth was sure to come,
To Cocoa trees and plantain.

The Aztec people who tended fields,
Sacrificing men to get good yields,
Adored the bitter taste of beans,
Brewed without aid from machines.

"A drink for the Gods!" Montezuma declared,
In search of perfection, no soul was spared!
Time swept by, bringing Cortez and his ilk,
Who were offered 'chocolatl', cocoa's milk.

They loved it so much, the Conquistadores -
They stole it away from New World shores.
Returning to Spain with spoils of conquest,
Keeping a dark secret, the kind you ingest.

Once mixed with sugar, all bitterness fled -
The beverage grew popular with the high bred.
Forgotten, the origins of the once noble seed,
Its carefree caretakers ploughed under by greed.

Effete Europeans latched onto the craze,
Using their industry to refine and amaze.
Hundreds of years being consumed as a drink,
A unique blend of cocoa was now on the brink.

I spread and it sped to nations great and small,
Delighting citizens, their tastebuds in thrall.
No empires fought for the fate of a confection,
Yet millions are spent in search of perfection.

Whether it's a sacrifice of blood or of money,
What length would you go to for this dark honey?
The Spaniards laid waste to an entire people,
Could we do any less for a taste of Aztec treacle?

------
For once as I, in Heaven climbed
Too high for truth to truly see
My sunken mind, drunken and blind
Saw the lie: The fool was me...

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Comments

The following comments are for "Chocolatl"
by Rogan

It's On
I knew you wouldn't disappoint.

Best of luck Rogan

May you never thirst

Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: December 16, 2004 )

Chocolate Lesson
Rogan: I'm impressed with the quickness in which you churned this one out. It's very informative. I wasn't expecting a history lesson when I clicked this. I found it just a bit overwhelming since any possible parallels were lost on me. The last line seemed a little awkward compared to the rest.

You obviously did your research, though. I don't doubt the validity of your facts. Nice that you could rhyme it so easily.

Lans

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: December 16, 2004 )

Nice Write
Nice piece Rogan. Well written and very non-conventional. It was nice you moved away from the cliche association of love and chocolate and wrote something truly orignial. Masterfully done:)

Best Wishes,
Juniper

( Posted by: Juniper [Member] On: December 16, 2004 )

write off- Rogan
Rogan, man this was hard. Both poems are excellent. This is my favorite topic, geesh I wish I could written about it instead (not against you guys though), but it was worth putting a smile on old scrooge's face. This poem made my chocolate obsession even more delicious! I love the history and the truth behind it, " A drink for the gods"! So very true. Excellent you got my nod.

Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: December 16, 2004 )

a different sphere
Rogan, I never doubted you ability, which is confirmed by this piece. I don't usually vote this early in a write off, but I will be off, and didn't want to miss. A beautiful write, which melts in my mouth :)

Claire

( Posted by: clairesbest [Member] On: December 16, 2004 )

history buff
While I prefer rhyme what iced the cake for me was the history. The exotic locales and what treasures were found there. Yup, loved this.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: December 16, 2004 )

Chocolatl
This piece particularly interests me because I recently read an account of Cortes' journey written by one of his officers. Now I don't deny the barbarity the Europeans showed in destroying many South American peoples. But it's no exscuse for our forgetting of the fantastic story of Cortes' conquering of the Aztecs. With 5,000 men, he conquered an empire with a standing army of a million. Muskets and swords don't account for that victory. No, Cortes' men used trickery, strategy and extreme bravery to win their victory.
Anyway, back to your work, it's very well written and entertaining. It hits the notes from high to low, aesthetic to philosophical, and quite tunefully at that. Personally, I'm a chocolate snob; I only like dark chocolate with high levels of cocoa, preferably Belgian.

( Posted by: seanspacey [Member] On: December 16, 2004 )

Rogan...
...Not bad, methinks, though some of the lines seemed a bit too forced.

I'm not going to lie - I love what you've done with the topic, and I think this has some depth to it that a lot of people might miss.

I have yet to read EB's, so I'm just going to give you the rating I think this piece deserves :)

Good on ya, kid. It was great read.

Cheers,

- SD

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: December 16, 2004 )

Choclatey goodness
Well, I'm pretty impressed. You managed to turn a little history lesson into a poem, and that's not an easy thing to do. Furthermore, it's a delightful poem, full of the sorts of asides that make my heart sing (the already-mentioned "treacle" line at the end, for instance!).

I think that technically Elliot's offering is a "better poem" (in terms of poetic mechanics). But you set out to try something new here, something chancy, so I'm giving you a 10.

And I gave Elliot a 10, too. I just can't decide.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: December 17, 2004 )

chocolate blood
Rogan.

A great piece of historical poetry. You entertain as well as educate which is a rare gift indeed.

You and Mr Bliss are our shining poetic stars, each poem a precious jewel. How can I rate either of you anything less then a ten. 10/10

warmest regard,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: December 17, 2004 )

Chocolatl
This is a nine point five for me. There's no doubt you are a very good writer, given the time limit you managed to write something as good as this. I wonder what your secret is you're quick to think of words to use. Though I gave my nod to EB, he's just higher by point five in my book. I like the Hispanic references here, my country Philippines was conquered by Spain thousands of years ago. That left us the next generations with a big bit of Spanish traits and traditions.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: December 17, 2004 )

Excellent job
I really enjoyed the history, mixed with the rhyme and the flow. I have to vote, however, given that this is a write-off and something of the topic of love and chocolate and chemical reaction got my attention. Thank you for the great history and wonderful read, and as always, for making this a tough call.

( Posted by: everybodyelsesgirl [Member] On: December 18, 2004 )

Milky Way

I find the rhyme well-placed, justified and graceful. The overal message is thought-provoking and its historical opinion is unusually fun to read.

And I have just finished reading Hershey and Mars business histories.

Teflan

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: December 18, 2004 )

The magic of cocoa.
Sorry about this, Rogan, but I didn't think this was one of your best.

The problem for me here is the basic rhyme and rhythm: It just doesn't work for me, I'm afraid. Perhaps it's because the rhyming structure of the first verse is different from the others? But I struggled with the rhythm too.

The actual content of the poem - the thoughts and ideas, and the language used - all that was great; absolutely vintage Rogan. I just think if it's going to be a rhyming poem, it needs to be polished a bit more.

So you probably guessed I've given the points to EB for this write off. Sorry. :-}

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: December 19, 2004 )

Rogan
Hi Rogan,

I have to agree with Spudley, this wasn't your usual best. I think the historical moments could have been made more interesting. This stanza however really got me:

'I spread and it sped to nations great and small,
Delighting citizens, their tastebuds in thrall.
No empires fought for the fate of a confection,
Yet millions are spent in search of perfection.'

Alex

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: December 20, 2004 )

Cacao and You
This is a good poem, Rogan. It's well written, with a great, galloping pace and a sturdy rhyme scheme, though certain lines struck me as a bit forced.

You've got a great opening line -- reminds me of the "Rain on the plain in Spain" bit from My Fair Lady. I wonder if that was the inspiration?

I am rather puzzled as to why someone who correctly spelled Tlaloc, chocolatl, and Montezuma nevertheless referred to the origin plant of chocolate as the cocoa tree? If you were worried that your readers might not recognize the word cacao, why not include a footnote or an explenation in your authors note?

The second line in "Adored the bitter taste of beans/ brewed without aid from machines" stuck me as a bit odd, as though you needed a line there to rhyme with beans. Yet is this the essential Aztec experience of chocolatl in that era? Did Cortez's ilk have the aid of machines? Guns, yes, but wasn't the Industrial Revolution a bit later?

I love your clever use of alliteration in "careful caretakers ploughed under by greed".

I was a little troubled by the tense switch in "No empires fought for the fate of a confection/ Yet millions are spent in search of perfection" Switching "fought" to "fight" might make the two lines more readily support each other and keep a geeky smartypants, like myself, from protesting "Wait, what about sugar? LOADS of blood and gunpowder spilled over that confection."

Though I adore your use of "treacle", I felt your last line was a bit long and forced in it's logic -- a bit over the top considering that a Hershey bar can be purchased for less than 50 cents. It's not a bad line, I simply feel that, given the whole of the rest of the poem, you've got a better finale in you.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: December 20, 2004 )

Let me remind again
Just to go over the write off rules again for those of you that want to vote:

Vote on BOTH pieces, not just one.
Leave a comment if you like.
Don't enlist family/friends to sign up just to vote
Try not to make someone high or low because you do or do not like them
No rating something a 1 or 2...
And the reason I say this one is because there is no reason to vote something in the write off a one or two. Really there isn't a reason to vote anything lower than a 5 and this is why....if the piece is in on time, if its under the word limit, if it stuck to the topic, if the words are spelled correctly and its a piece of poetry then that's 5 things they got right.

A 1 would imply that it didn't make sense, there were spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, and sentence fragments all over the place and basicly that the author of the piece can't write at all. And none of our write off players present past or future deserve a one.

Be nice, this is for fun, its not like you're in the running for a car or something... lol

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: December 20, 2004 )

Weighing In
Rogan~

As usual you haven't disappointed, this piece is a masterpiece of rhyme. There's nothing trite here and your take on a subject I would have been loathe to tackle is nothing short of impressive. I'm giving you the nod in this undoubtably close race because of two things. One is simple, I liked it better and two this piece is a stretch for you, there's little to no darkness in these lines. You should step out into the light more often my friend. There is a place for you there.

Until next time 'round.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: December 22, 2004 )

And the winner is...
ROGAN!...Both pieces in this write off were wonderful and I want to thank each of your guys for jumping in and doing your best. I tip my red hat to both of you, for giving us a clean fight and a heck of a write off. Congrats Rogan!

The next write off should be up shortly, given the holiday I'm going to extend the cut off to Monday!

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: December 24, 2004 )

Congrats
Nicely done Rogan, losing sucks but the fact that I lost to you takes the edge of somewhat :)

Merry Christmas and congratulations again on a job well done

May you never thirst

Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: December 25, 2004 )

good ..but
Who beat you up?

( Posted by: Georgie [Member] On: December 26, 2004 )

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