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10Teflon

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As I stand on the cliff
Looking down in the sea
Waves crash on the rocks
The reflection of me

Would anyone notice
If I jumped and disappered?
Deat will come soon
This moment I feared

The sky above me
Gathering clouds of gray
I guess now is my time
This happens w/o say

I turn my back
And close my eyes
Tired of being
A good girl in disguise

I take a breath
And head towards the sea
This is the story of
What happened to me


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The following comments are for "The story of what happened to me"
by 7MidniteTears

Christine
Liked the 1st stanza, especially the analogy of yourself and the waves crashing.
2nd stanza - yikes! 'Disappered' and 'deat' and the last line you forced the rhyme, try -
'This is the moment I feared'
3rd stanza - I've a problem with the use of w/o. I appreciate you're trying to emphasise a gloomy mood with 'clouds of grey' - another forced rhyme, but we already have the feeling of approaching death you expressed so well in the previous verses so perhaps take this verse out, see how it feels.
Last 2 stanzas were fine and you didn't give in to the temptation of rambling on too long.
As always, these comments are for you to weigh up, decide whether to accept or reject.
Take care
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: December 17, 2004 )

Seven...
...This is by far your best work. Much better!

Your finale is my favorite part. Keep them coming.

Cheers.

-SD

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: December 17, 2004 )

woods w/o deet

Typos:
"deat" and the ones mentioned above spoiled the mood, so does the use of such mundane "w/o"

But it is very warm.

Tul-Aflan

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: December 18, 2004 )





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