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I have a complaint.
I'm forever being told by my female friends that men don't make any sense. Keep in mind this is when they are asking for my "expert" opinion on all things male, simply because I happen to be one. My typical response to this blantant attack on the thought processes of my fellow drooling, sex obsessed, and inarticulate brothers is "Pot, this is Kettle calling."
Now before the ladies in the audience start getting all worked up, let me start by saying this; I never said that men made sense. Because, quite simply the majority of us don't. But face it ladies, we don't exactly have the corner on that market.
The easiest way to explain why I feel that mind and heart of the average woman makes no more sense to me than say, astrophysics, is to talk about false advertising. Yes, false advertising. I've always been curious as to what women were looking for in a man. In my quest to gather this possibly life altering information I thought to myself. "Who better to lift the veil of mystery as to what women really want than those who are unburdened by the weight of male companionship?" So I asked as many of my single female friends as I could find, exactly what qualities their ideal man would possess. Imagine my suprise when most of their answers were the same.
The most common response was almost always "a good sense of humor". The first time I heard those words fall from the lips of a very attractive, very desireable friend's lips I did a little dance. On the inside mind you, as I am chronically Caucasian and cannot, without ingesting copius quantities of alcohol, even begin to cut a rug. The reason for my inner Travolta is this, when it comes to making a woman laugh I've got it made. Witty reparte is my specialty. If that's step one to being the perfect man, I'm in like flint.
The other most common response was being sensitive, romantic, and nuturing. You know all of those words that Oprah and her henchman Dr. Phil use on a daily basis. "He watches Oprah?, Surely not!" You would be correct in that assumption, but I have a mother who does, and Oprah-speak weighs heavily in the conversations about why said son hasn't settled down with a nice girl. Oprah-speak aside, once again, I was relieved, for you see I have all of those qualities as well.
I was raised by women, the Oprah watching kind mind you, and therefore have been told on countless occasions that I have a better understanding of the female mind than most of my knuckle-dragging compatriots.
I'm the kind of guy, who has driven an hour and a half to hand-deliver a pint of ice cream and flowers in an attempt to ease a friends depression. I'm the supposedly elusive male creature who isn't afraid of commitment, who rembers birthdays and calls just to tell that special lady I'm thinking of her. I do not operate under the impression that when "Mr. Monthly" shows up that it implies "fellatio fest" for the next seven days. Hell I'll even buy the tampons without flinching! So it stands to reason that I should be able to find someone to share my time with. Yes, even the "naked time", for all you "real" men out there.
However, this is simply not the case. Much to my growing horror, I realized that while women say that they want these things in a man, and that they are more important than any other attribute, that it's all a family-sized pack of lies.
That's right, women lie about what they want. Lie to us, lie to Cosmo magazine, lie even to themselves. They don't want the quick witted, sensitive type at all. Unless it comes in a certain package, that is. We all know the package I'm talking about; rugged good looks, nice smile, muscles. To use one of my favorite movies, "Chasing Amy" as an example, who want's Kevin Smith, when they can have Ben Affleck? The words are Kevin's, Affleck's just an actor.
The tragedy is that women actually believe their own propoganda, they belive it's all about the personality, the heart and mind rather than the body. Believe me I've tried to point out the truth, only to be told I'm projecting my own viewpoint on to others. You can bet Oprah and Dr. Phil are responsible for that argument.
While we Neo-Neanderthals have the courage to ask a woman out because she has a nice ass and admit it without shame, the ladies get defensive. Face it folks we all take a good look at the cover of a book before deciding whether or not to to take it home.
Women seem to understand just how fake and shallow that is and hence begin brainwashing themselves, the media, and the vast majority of the estrogen-challenged that it's what's on the inside that counts to the enlightened female of the species.
My ass! If that were true, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this column. I'd be at Barnes and Noble reading the first chapter of a book in an attempt to find out if it was worth curling up with for the night, with my date for the evening, Ashley Judd!

Smile if you're stupid,
laugh if you understand.

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The following comments are for "Dating Wasteland Continues"
by Bartleby

Next installment
I'm glad you liked this one as much as it's predecessor and hopefully I'll earn yet another eight(can I get a nine? :) ) I find it a bit strange that you liked the "Pot... Kettle" joke more than some of the others, I felt it was a bit weak, but hey I'll take it. I just wished I could get some more feedback from the other people who are obviously reading.
Until next time

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: May 10, 2002 )

As you know me so well, you know already how very much I can concur with you on the point of, well, pretty much all the points. The observations about the good sense of humor are right on the head in my department, because that's all I have going for me, and I thought for the longest I was the only one so amazingly observant.

I'm with Jess on this; the keeping it light hearted makes it shine, especially on a subject that can be so sensitive to both male and female alike.

And on a personal experience note, the Oprah comments hit home. While my mother was never an Ophra woman (not meaning to single-handedly shatter a point you made), my ex's was, and she had no beef about giving Oprah advice to her daughter when I was there. Though, to her credit, nothing that said "dump this loser" in kind words.

( Posted by: dachish [Member] On: May 11, 2002 )

Very funny and lighthearted. I think most of your readers can relate to this in some way or another. This seems to be the strength in your "wasteland" series. A basic "women are ____" compounded by many other views. Keep it up.

( Posted by: Rose [Member] On: May 13, 2002 )

Women as "basic"
If women are "basic" it's more like "basic survival skills for Armageddon"! I know we men are not much simpler, but I sometimes get the feeling women are taught to be cryptic from an early age..

Once again, glad I made you laugh, and thanks for reading. Try the original "Wasteland" posting, it in my opinion is the funniest.

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: May 13, 2002 )

Would you have it any other way?
I don't mean that women themselves are basic, I meant you stick with a basic theme that, well, women are difficult in one way or another.

But, would you men really want it any other way?

( Posted by: Rose [Member] On: May 14, 2002 )

in response

In a word.


Nuff said.

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: May 15, 2002 )

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