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If He loves me
If I love him
Then why can't we be together?
Why can't the world turn the way I want it to?

Can't hold me in your arms
Can't stare into your eyes
This bliss we cannot have
Someday find your way to me, please

Doodling our names
Sketching "I love you"s'
This fantasy we have
It will come true someday, won't it?

Tell me your plans
Explain to me,
Show me how you're going to
Make the world turn our way


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The following comments are for "Our Way"
by disOrder

disOrder's Our Way
Well, what a sad situation. Sorry about that. That has to suck.

But on to the writing. My advice in this is to make it more biting. More of your passion needs to shine through. It lacks the "raaararrrrrrrrgh!" that you feel. It is quite passive even though it's "pretty".

Also, I'd pay closer attention to your pronouns. If you are going to start the piece capitalizing I and He, you should continue throughout with "Our" and "Us", etc.

GG

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: December 28, 2004 )





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