Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search

Average Rating

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

If He loves me
If I love him
Then why can't we be together?
Why can't the world turn the way I want it to?

Can't hold me in your arms
Can't stare into your eyes
This bliss we cannot have
Someday find your way to me, please

Doodling our names
Sketching "I love you"s'
This fantasy we have
It will come true someday, won't it?

Tell me your plans
Explain to me,
Show me how you're going to
Make the world turn our way

Related Items


The following comments are for "Our Way"
by disOrder

disOrder's Our Way
Well, what a sad situation. Sorry about that. That has to suck.

But on to the writing. My advice in this is to make it more biting. More of your passion needs to shine through. It lacks the "raaararrrrrrrrgh!" that you feel. It is quite passive even though it's "pretty".

Also, I'd pay closer attention to your pronouns. If you are going to start the piece capitalizing I and He, you should continue throughout with "Our" and "Us", etc.


( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: December 28, 2004 )

Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.