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The fight was pretty bad
Seemed to last for an hour

The yelling and screaming
We both were feeling sour

I said I would be back
I needed to cool down

Wasn't worried about him
Thought he would come round

While out at the store,
I felt some anxiety

Wanted to get back home
And make my apology

I just wanted to tell him,
"I'm so sorry, Phil

I didn't mean to yell
I love you so much still

I want you to be happy
I want for you the best

To avoid the mistakes I've made
and not make your life a mess"

As I walked in the house,
I asked "Where's Phil?" with a grin

I had bought his favorite cookies
and wanted to bake them with him

I felt very scared
With a great sense of doom

As I opened the door
And entered his room

He was hanging in his closet
From an extension cord

I couldn't believe my eyes,
I was so totally floored

My beautiful son had taken his own life
I had lost him forever because of a stupid fight

I will never forgive myself for this
and will forever be in pain

Because I lost my 15-year-old son
When he killed himself in vain

------
Christine Hamor


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Comments

The following comments are for "The Fight"
by Torturedsoul

Christine
I hesitate to suggest improvements to an obviously emotional poem. Please remember these are only suggestions, you can take them or reject them as you wish, and the end of the day it's YOUR poem, nobody has the right to demand you change a thing. However, that's what a comment coloumn's for, so here goes.
'We both were feeling sour' tripped me, try 'we were both feeling sour' instead.
'I love you so much still' you've forced a rhyme here and it feels unnatural. Try this
'I still love you so much
I didn't mean to yell'
try taking out the couplets 9 and 10, 13, 16 and 19.
In the last two remaining couplets you use the word 'forever' twice and I would suggest switching the two around as well.

'I will never forgive myself
and will always be in pain

My beautiful son had taken his life
I had lost him forever, because of a stupid fight.'

I hope these remarks have been helpful to you, Christine. On a personal note, I think writing is great therapy and putting your feelings into poetry creates a lasting tribute. God sometimes calls back his bravest souls early, because he needs their courage and wisdom. Try and think of it that way.

Be strong and take care
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: December 12, 2004 )





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