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I wake up in the light of rising sun
Wrapped in the rays of shining amber warmth
And seeing you, just like a linen dome,
Conceals me from the breeze and from the night –
I look at you, still lost in morning dream,
Can feel your breath and aura of the comfort…
I want the love – a terracotta amphora -
Remain in ocean depth, in golden stream
Of daily moments and in awkward words
That we exchange, that we forget right after…
Behind the stage, it’s genius author
He edits scripts, and characters he sorts…



~
I kindly ask to feel free and comment/critique as I need a little input to make this one sound better. Thank you!


------
Sua sponte,
O.


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Comments

The following comments are for "- my story's just begun -"
by City

Linen Domes of Comfort
I get the sense that you're working with a lot more, here, than is necessarily being conveyed, City. I think your poem would be sharper if the link between the sheet you describe (covering him as his love comforts you? did I read that right?) were tied in more clarly with the metaphor you referece at the end (where the sheet becomes a curtain rising like the sun, opening up on your sense of possibility?) I'm not entirely certain I grasped the signicance of the "he" behind the stage who sorts through characters and genius lines... in a sense, I believe the undefined "he" detracts from the rest of the poem in his current undefined state.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: December 5, 2004 )

right...
thank you for pointing the questions... will work on it more and show the result!

( Posted by: City [Member] On: December 6, 2004 )





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