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I'm swimming in the sea of lies and starting to drown
I'm trying to keep a smile on myself but my face forces a frown
I don't know why this is happening, I've been such a good girl
But i just told one lie and my life has been a whirl
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
I see the lies pile up, and I'm drowning from that weight
The current is too strong I'm losing all of my strength
The land thats in between in still growing in length
Sometimes I think that i will surely live
I guess lies and lies is that all that i can give
The lies are making me heavy, and i am now sinking
I have now drowned, what the hell was i thinking?

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The following comments are for "Swimming in a Sea of Lies"
by 7MidniteTears

...Hey 7, what's shaking?

First, I'll tell you what I liked about this piece. The idea that lies are weighing you down and pulling you down and down and down to your demise is strong, and your last line, 'what the hell was I thinking?' is a great capper. The only problem is that you fleshed out your metaphor (lies being a weight dragging you down) using extremely cliched phrases. And a very conventional rhyme scheme.

It sounds as though you are just rewriting familiar statements you see thrown around a lot. Try adding some personal flavor to it - you won't be disappointed. And don't worry (ever) about writing poorly; everything is a stepping stone, I think. Everyone has to pay their dues.

One more thing I want you to try for me (as a personal favor). For your next poem, don't use rhyme. Just let whatever you have to say bleed onto the page (look at me - Mr. Hypocrite using cliches haha). Keep in mind that the subject of this poem has been written on time and time again, which makes its execution *very* important. You have to be original when expressing yourself, otherwise people will just dismiss the poem as something they've seen a thousand times before. Your writing isn't bad, don't think that. You just need to expand your horizens.



( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: December 10, 2004 )

thanks for advice
thanks fer all the advice. i appreciate it. umm. well im kinda used to rhyming but i'll give it a try by just writing what comes to mind. thanks again. i'll go and check some of ur poems out. thanks buh-by3

( Posted by: 7MidniteTears [Member] On: December 12, 2004 )

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