Before you read this, you should know that if you haven't seen the movie, Ocean's Eleven, you will probably read this piece and say, "that was the most stupid bit of unfunny writing ever." Just to let ya know.
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“So now what then, seeing as you’re not going to leave my house, you might as well include me in your shiest ya got goin here,” said Cameron over a glass of hot tea.
“Well, we’re doing something that involves a casino, and then the outcome involving a lot of money.”
“Ah jeez, don’t tell me you’re robbing a goddamn casino!”
“The MGM Grand.” Jake’s eyes twinkled as he stared up at the ceiling.
“Well, what are your plans?”
* * *
Joseph Caldera held the palm pilot on his hand, knowing every button, every file everything to know period about it. His assignment wasn’t easy, but it was key.
Meanwhile, Jeremy (the Mexican who had tagged along with James Black) would be playing a dealer in a blackjack game. Quite surprisingly, he had a gambling license in Mexico, and so they had simply transferred his files to their computer, which meant when it was all over…Jeremy was basically screwed. Although Jeremy had never played blackjack, he had reassured everyone that he understood the basic concept of the game.
“Alright boys, who’s ready to play blackjack?” Jeremy said in his more than fluent, without-an-accent English.
“Yeah alright, lets go.”
“Okay, here we go.”
Jeremy dealt the cards to everyone, and then they were flipped over and the players were ready.
“Alright,” Jeremy began, “you have two aces, what would you like to do?”
Jeremy frowned, but then he soon recalled the meaning of this, and flipped over a card. It was a two.
“BLACKJACK!” Jeremy screamed. “Ah sir, congratulations!”
“That’s not a blackjack,” the man replied, with a rather confused look upon his face. “That only adds up to fourteen.”
“Oh yes…of course. So?”
“Blackjack is twenty-one.”
Jeremy glanced nervously around the room to make sure no one had caught the slip.
“So then, hit me.”
Jeremy flipped him another card. A five.
“It is a full house! You win!”
Joseph slipped past the distraction and flew into a door that led out into an empty hallway. From there he was to go into the first door he saw on the right. Still with the palm pilot in his hand, he closed the door of the room behind him, and found the right cables to attach to the palm pilot.
This would give them a video image of all of the security surveillance cameras. A few cable connections there, some cutting and pasting here, and it was done.
Joseph, with a very satisfied look upon his face walked back out of the room, but to his horror saw a man from down the hall approaching. He panicked. The man walked right up to him.
“Excuse me, it’s my first day here,” the man began, “and I was wondering if you could show me where the bathroom-”
“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!” Joseph burst out, and then punched the man in the face, and gave him a good kick square in the nose while he was hunched over clutching his eye.
Joseph made a run for it, back out the door and the casino itself.
“Four of a kind!” Jeremy called out.
“That’s it you stupid son of a bitch!” Screamed the man diving over the table at him.
* * *
Jake watched it all from the headquarters in Cameron’s living room in great horror, and then he finally exhaled as Joseph made it out of the parking lot, still at a mad dash.
“Well?” He looked back at Ben who was looking over his shoulder.
“Still don’t think that this isn’t a good idea?”
“No. What would suddenly make me change my mind about that?”
“Well, we already accomplished the most important part.”
“I assume you’re not through with reading your book then?”
* * *
“Alright, step two. We need something to replace the picture within the monitors being viewed by security; you know like they did it in the movie?”
“Secret agent man!” Sam screamed at the top of his lungs.
“Not a song Sam!”
“But anyways, you understand?”
“Okay, next assignment is to get a van so that we can disguise it to look like we’re the good guys.”
* * *
Finally the part where James Black came in handy. He was the smoothest talker around-even smoother than Barry White!
“So, you’re sure that the final offer on that van there is 18,000?”
“That’s correct sir.”
“I really think you should lower it to like, a hundred bucks.”
“No I can’t do that.”
“What about a thousand?”
“No, I’m sorry, there’s just no way I can lower it to a thousand.”
James got a little frustrated, but he kept his cool.
“Alright, give me the damn van!” He screamed as he took out a gun and put it to the car dealer’s head.
“Okay! Okay! You can have the van.”
James flipped up the collar on his suit.
“Oh yeah! Still got it!”
* * *
“Step three; we’re going to need the world’s largest pinch. Shaun, you think you can hook us up?”
“Oh yeah, no problem. I’ll be back then in two days max.”
“See ya then.”
“Step four; while Shaun’s getting us the pinch, Sam Brown, it’s time for you to work on your back flips.”
“My back flips? What for?”
“You’re going to be the one who hops over the motion detectors on the ground.”
“You can start by practicing in the replica we’ve built of the casino room.”
“What, that thing?” Sam asked pointing to the cardboard box that had MGM vault written in Sharpie on the side.
“Yeah, that thing.”
“No buts about it!”
* * *
“Step five; we need some hand grenades to blow up the vault doors.”
“Hand grenades?” Ben asked. “That’s not a good idea.”
“And since when are you in charge.”
* * *
“Step six; grab the money and run really fast. And that’s pretty much it.”
* * *
Two days went by and Shaun returned with the pinch. And then it was show time.