I set down on August 31, 2004 and tried to put my feelings for someone into words, but without thinking about it beforehand. I even left the blurb I wrote at the top of the page. So some of this might be mispelled and some of it might have errors, but it's my random thoughts. I hope you enjoy them...
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Your going to think I'm crazy,
I think you might be right
But everyday I think of you,
Before I sleep at night
I meet a girl once. She's one of those people who just seemed to have been waiting for me to come along. Our conversations those first days were more like old friends going over good times forgotten, rather the strangers that we were. Like new souls destined to be together we talked for hours about everything and nothing.
About how much we had in common and how it just didn't seem real that it could be like that. But it was. It went on for days. We couldn't seem to get enough of each other. So we made plans to meet. I was so scared but so excited. But after what seemed like forever, the day came.
That first kiss.... I can't remember my first kiss in this life, but I will never be able to forget that first kiss with her. Nothing could ever top it. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. It could have been the end of something that never should have ended. But it wasn't. It was the begining of
something that should always be. Everyone should have a moment like that to look back on in their life. Something to measure all other moments against.
She had beautiful eyes that made my heart melt at just the thought of her gaze on me. When we met I didn't think it would last. Because I didn't think I was worthy of her presence. But she made me feel like I belonged next to her. You could feel the chemistry we had as we became more comfortable with each other. The trust she showed for me was incredible. Somewhere in the back of our minds, we knew there was something special between us.
In my mind I thought that first date seemed to short. And it was. Funny thing, they all were. It didn't seem to matter how much time we had together, it was never enough. And we both knew it. So we smiled and enjoyed each other while we had the chance until a few hours before the time would end and then we both started thinking about how it was going to feel apart and we would become sad. But it only made it feel that much better when we would meet the next time and the next and the next....
But life has ways of testing things that are right. Just when I was sure that all the mistakes in my life had been to bring me to this happiness I had found, they began. And the time we spent together became less and less. The time we spent apart grew wider. And the phone calls became everyother day instead of every night. I became sad. But I started learning something about myself that I had never known before. Patience.
That's not to say that the pain wasn't there. It was. I closed my eyes to visions of her and my first thoughts in the morning was her name. I think the worst is that the last image I have of her is the five minutes we spent after she got home from work one night. I could tell she wasn't ok. She had been slowly heading this way for a while. I was no longer able to have an effect on her sadness. It was to great even for me to overcome for her. And she left that night quickly after we met. But I had Patience. I planned my life around her phone calls and what time I might be able to spend with her, even if I didn't get to see her in the end. To me it had been worth it just for the possibilty of seeing her. For close to four months I held my Patience in check. But I started to feel that my waiting was weighing her down. So I did something to help her. I gave her an out. I gave her a reason to have me quit waiting for her. Not that I would. But she needed the release. I was just another thing for her to worry about.
We don't say that we love each other anymore, but I know we do. Because I still feel it. I still think of her every night before I sleep and she's still the first thing that I think about when I wake up in the morning. Nothing in this world will ever make me stop loving her. I realize that now. Its a very weird yet comforting thought. Its like I know something that most people never really get to know. I love her so much that I can live with the pain of not having her in my life, if thats what it all comes down too. If thats what she wants. Because she comes before me. I would be unhappy for eternity if it gives her happiness for a minute. Thats what love is. It's a willingness to sacrifice your heart. Completely.
To give it over without ever expecting it to return. My heart will never be mine again. because I carry it for her.
That was a few months ago. Recently I seen her again for the first time in almost 8 months. For me the love has never faded. Its hard to say what will happen from here, but I can hope.
Driving home that night after seeing her I came to a realization that I think I hinted at in the above writing. For some of you it may sound odd because I'm still unsure of how to translate it to words. But it goes something like this.
Love is a single thing. A one way street if you will. Its not based on what someone feels in return. Its only based on what you feel for that person. It doesn't point blame when it feels rejection. Love is inspite of everything else. Love overpowers jealousy, pain, sorrow, loneliness, hate, rejection, and meaness. It is single. Love is just what it says...Love.
Your coments are welcome, good or bad. Thanks for listening.