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5The Alienist

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Disclaimer: I say bad words in this.

Risk, a four-letter word that isnít bad but few will use. Some thrive on the adrenaline rush taking risks can offer but most would rather die then take such a reckless and haphazard approach to life. Well friends, I can tell you with incomplete and shaky certainty; you have to risk all to win all. Yes, you have to put your balls on the table even if they might get hit with a sledgehammer! (On a side note: If you donít have balls then whatever is comparable will do.) Laugh at danger and mock death. Wash your hands with acid because who knows; it just may make your hands silky and smooth after all. Necessity maybe the mother of invention, but risk is its illegitimate son with one eye and six fingers. So tie a salted steak to your ass and go to the zoo to see how fast a cheetah can really run and if that isnít risky enough for you or you are just really interested in science do it naked in front of kids. Life without risk would be like church every day. Sure itís fun to hear how God made the planet but its much more fun trying to find the loopholes to destroy it.
Risks donít have to endanger your life. Some of the most rewarding risks are the ones no one knows about. For instance, shave your cat try and convince him he is a mole and bury him up to his head in your back yard while you are mowing the lawn. If the cat makes it out no one will ever call him a pussy. And if he could talk he would say, ďThank you for making me the cat I am todayĒ and I would say, ďYouíre welcome Mr. Cat. You are welcome.Ē Donít forget to include old people. Their life is nearing completion so why not accelerate their pulse while they still have one. I think everyone could benefit form one hip replacement surgery in his or her life. Cars can also be a high-risk adventure. My P.O.S. car with its bald tires and faulty gas tank can take corners at a pace that rivals highly motivated snails. And every time I turn the key I say a little prayer and hope when they find my body a half a mile from the explosion that my boxers are still doing their job and I have a smile on my face. And friends, I will have a smile on my face because I took risks and died living. Oh sure I died poor and my left leg is longer than my right I have a nervous twitch and if I hold in a sneeze there is a really good chance my eye will pop out of its socket again. But you know what? I grabbed the bull bye the horns and poured Tabasco (Registered Trademark) sauce in its eyes so it always sees red. I hit on girls way out of my league in hopes that even at nine in the morning they are drunk enough to make out with me. And if they werenít I stalked them until they were so scared that they had a restraining order placed on me. Why? ĎCause fuck them thatís why! And at the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow I fall asleep fast because I took a risk and it tired me out!


------
-Parker-

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.
-Dwight D. Eisenhower



Comments

The following comments are for "Risk Rant"
by Parker

Ummm...
...you keep mentioning risk but no reasonable point, even for a rant!

( Posted by: The Alienist [Member] On: November 26, 2004 )

Almost Works as Satire
Ironic, to think Jess, Alienist and I might all find ourselves in agreement on the same page. Will wonders never cease.

I almost find your piece works as a bit of satire, proving, through miscalculated excess, the opposite of your stated point. Perhaps that was your intention, all along?

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: November 26, 2004 )

I don't think so...
... althought that's been done.

( Posted by: The Alienist [Member] On: November 27, 2004 )

FARCE?
You guys are taking this a bit too seriously. This piece really has nothing to do with taking risks. Did ya even read it? Do you think that any of the risks that I mention in it were valid risks or even risks at all? The point of it wasnít to make the reader want to actually do any of the things suggested but simply to make people laugh. It was a play in hyperbole (I agree that it isnít satirical it's farce). I think you have tried to ascribe to much meaning and didnít pick up on absurdity of what was being said. If you didnít think it was funny; fair enough. Comedy is hit or miss. Just donít tell me I was fed a line when you missed the point. I agree that there is no reasonable point. However, itís a rant (To utter or express with violence or extravagance. I chose extravagance.) not an essay so I am not bound to make a point at all let a lone a reasonable point. (BTW the point was to make people laugh.) So lighten up folks.

( Posted by: Parker [Member] On: November 28, 2004 )

Parker
I liked it. It was funny. Not at all confussing. Maybe that is just my insanity talking.

( Posted by: DrBlack [Member] On: November 28, 2004 )





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