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Starving for the written word I was suspended
suspended in a state of lackadaisical
I have worked for days at the
stride of attemptation.
Working on a story of my own.

Inwardly the spelling bee
is conducted by Yo-Yo Ma.
Whose Cello resonates the words
of which my attemptation
gesticulates hand jive.

Earthly memoires
sound admonition
choral church organs
there's a spider in your head

sound off,
to the beat of pentanic
membrane's reverberating and resonating.
This stanza must finish in 16 lines.

Took a break. Abrogating the aforementioned phrase.
Dances never felt so in place, out of sight.
Southerners from North Carolina can jam,
leaving acountability to promulgating judeges
who never went to law school anyway.

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The following comments are for "Too Abstract"
by xinerama

Appreciative Laughter
Ok -- I love your second stanza. Comparing the duress of writing to having Yo-yo Ma conducting a spelling bee in your head and only being able to approximate with hand jive is nigh on genius. Hell yes, mo'fo, cause I said so.

I like your third stanza, though I'd like to see you build on that final line.

The third stanza reads like filler. Personal opinion -- doesn't quite fit in.

I like your close. Yep, those judges never went to law school, anyway. Nice finish. You deserve a refreshing beverage, my friend. Good work.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: November 25, 2004 )

A candy bar?
Cuddos is what I say. I have a spelling error and that is crappy. Yeah I really was not sure about the third stanza. The penultimate line is actually about a memory that I had, when I was courting this old lady and we went to an organ recital at the School of the Arts. The last line, "There are spiders in your head." Actually came in the form of a song in a dream that I had. I just threw it in there. So you are right.

Just so you see where I am coming from. In the penultimate stanza, the last line was actually my own Bukowski. God, I miss reading his work. I was reminded of him because I actually wrote this in a bar while listenening to a band, and had to get up to dance, "thus abrogating the aforementioned...".

Thanks for reading it, I will write more in time, if I knew people actually read this stuff I would write more often. BTW I read your "tasting." It was really great. I fell in love with Ethiopia Harrar the first time I tried it as I am sure you will remember me plugging it. I do not know if I agree of disagree with your ideas, I am actually in the middle b/c I think it will be good, but it also might discourage some people. I should leave a comment.

Oh yeah, the last stanza really needs work. That's it done.

( Posted by: Xinerama [Member] On: November 25, 2004 )


Write for yourself and your readers will find you out.

On the other hand, here at Lit, you'll find you can garner more comments from readers if you first go out and comment on other writer's works. Call it the theory of recipricocity if you like, but posting comments can help other readers become more familiar with who you are, remember you and therefore make them more curious as to the substance of your own written submissions.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: November 25, 2004 )

yo-yo mime
I also thought cellists were mime artists! Great thinking! I can identify with this poem.


( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: November 29, 2004 )

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