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4The Alienist

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There is a big full moon, as we dance under it's very bright light
In layman's terms we are known by the name witch
Everyone fears this word through out the land, so to sanity you may wish to cling very tight
We are all adorn in black, the black is as dark as pitch.

We are the servants of the darkness, we made a pact so we could have a good life today
We dance to worship our king, the Prince of Darkness, better known as the devil
All the dark games others fear, we play
Our lives now are very good, but in the end we will surely burn in hell.

We cast spells on others to do our evil bidding
We can make someone sick, we can do anything we want, sometimes we resort to even kill
So don't cross our path, as we are very serious and we are not kidding
All we have to do is cast a spell, we can make anyone do anything, just by will.

We our told by our king himself, we must sacrifice by blood
But not an animal, he wants the blood of a human this time
We must honor his wishes, if we disobey that wouldn't be good
So to find a sacrifice, this we must do in an adequate amount of time.

We choose a very young girl, as we abduct her she seems very scared
We take her to our place of worship, we bind her hands and feet, as we put her on the alter of darkness
She fights for her life, but it does no good, we have to do this for our king, because he makes us so scared
As we dance, her body bare, the high priest raises the knife and stabs her, as the blood flows, in a way I feel a little strange, to this I must confess.

Lanaia Lee

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The following comments are for "SACRIFICE OF BLOOD"
by abbey74

You need depth & structure.
You're trying too hard to sound evil and not hard enough to tell a story.

Did you get bored in english class and decide not to learn about paragraphing or the structure of plot, or the intricacies of character and motivation?

This is simply an adolescent depiction of a demonic sacrifice. There are plenty of these to go around. Please work on the tools of the writer as described in my critique above.

Ask yourself, is this what Anne Rice's books look like when you open them? Read some HP Lovecraft and observe what his writing looks like.

( Posted by: The Alienist [Member] On: November 25, 2004 )

You must go out and get a book on English grammar, you need work on sentence structure, and paragraphs , and all around english , too much of the samme words in your story. Good luck with your next story

( Posted by: peperetheflea [Member] On: November 25, 2004 )

Arcane and Stilted Language
I think a lot of the grammatical issues peparetheflea is taking issue with have to do with your attempted use of arcane and stilted language... something like the dialogue Vincent Price would use. Unfortunately, you don't seem sufficiently familiar with the style to really pull this off. This is no crime against humanity by any means and it doesn't mean that you can't write. It's simply an opportunity for improvement.

I think the Alienist has a good point, too, that there isn't a lot of detail in your short story and that it would have helped if you had done even a marginal amount of research before you sat down to write.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: November 25, 2004 )

Just to add what the other have said. If written with proper grammar this would still be cliche when read as it is now.

When you write about subjects like this, you have to really develop your own perspective on it. I would suggest you go through this piece and take all of the modifiers out, words like 'very' which appear all over aren't needed.

There is a lot of literature on Palmyra in Syria, the Temple to the Devil which is interesting. I think you would like a lot of the books written on it, how their gods were turned into the Christian devils. Funny how Beelzebub was a god to fertility before being perverted by the Catholic faith!!

I like 'dark' literature, but it has to be original.

I hope this helps.


( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: November 26, 2004 )

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