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8.33

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5A. Cain
10chapter1
10rainierthisyear

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Underneath this vaulted sky
Within the business we attend
Beneath a hundred notes to self
And through the bluster, we get by

So if -- even to myself -- I lie
Because you witness as a friend
The possibilities I leave upon a shelf
With a sour apple smile, wry eyes

Twinkling, you remind me of
A center holding, certain dreams
Silent, leading back into a labyrinth
Iíve forgotten for convenience, for love

For lack of a better self, for heaven above
So that even in your listening, it seems
You reconnect the tatters life has wrent
From my understanding, because of

You I am vibrant, laughing, clear
Your hope bouys me
Your voice holds me
Your vision warms me
So I am always here










------
"All the darkness in the world
cannot put out the light
of one candle"


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Comments

The following comments are for "Always Here"
by hazelfaern

Claire and A. Caine
Claire -- I know you're not delusional. Honestly, I meant that other comment as a compliment to Williamhill, that his work is absorbing enough it could lead such a nondelusional member to errantly address an individual by the wrong name. It's no biggie and after just a brief moment of confusion I realized your comment was similiar in content enough to the one you left on City's Disappearing Freely that it was most likely a case of temporarily crossed wires. I've made much more notable gaffes at Lit, including telling Evil Bacteria that I found it strange that no one had commented on his firey essay while everyone was pouncing on poor Evil Bacteria, one category down in Poetry, just for wishing he was a woman. He kind of electronically cleared his throat and asked, "So, who am I, again?" Oh. Yep. Same avatar. Sorry.

A. Caine -- I actually appreciate negative reactions to my work as I fully believe in taking every opportunity to improve my own writing style as well as my understanding of how reader's translate the words I've layered on a page. I do find it, generally, more helpful when those reactions are expessed more fully than a simple rating left without further explenation. As a rating of 5 out of 10 is generally an F in the majority of gradebooks, I'd be interested to hear where you think this poem went wrong. Have you taken issue with the essentially safe sentiments expressed here? Did you find the rhyme scheme mundane, beourgois or overly pat? Did you find the metaphors unsatisfying -- perhaps even Emily Dickinson would have tried to sharpen "left upon a shelf".

In all honesty, I do not believe this poem is the finest display of my writing style. It represents a very strong sentiment I've had difficulty putting into words. In the case of this particular poem I was not so much interested in stretching my abilities as a wordsmith as I was in simply conveying a truth which might just be too close to my own heart. There are, quite possibly, Hallmark card writers who may have handled the same notions with greater deft of wit and panache -- that simply wasn't my objective here. I've written it out so that with the accruing objectivity which comes with emotional distance I can rework these lines which I may not have been able to render brilliantly in this moment. I think little more can be asked of any writer whether employed by Hallmark or the ideal muse of Keats and Shakespeare.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: November 21, 2004 )

Always here
Very well written. I would have to say that the third stanza stands out very much to me. The twinkling feeling of something forgotten for convenience, or love, is such a familiar feeling that you have put so eloquently into words.

Also, I love the "your hope buoys me," but the two following lines are almost a little bit cliched, I might re-work that part a tad. But that's just my opinion. Very well done. Excellent read.

( Posted by: everybodyelsesgirl [Member] On: November 23, 2004 )





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