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9hazelfaern

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my secret meetings at the dawn
go free, unnoticed but vivid
to those who pardon me not
for my dissolved and foggy lyrics

for shimmer songs of morning choir
of sky and ocean together
I walk away along the shore
and leave no footprints, no shadow


------
Sua sponte,
O.


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The following comments are for "- disappearing freely -"
by City

Pardon Me Not
It's just a quibbly thing, but reading through your poem several times I kept getting stuck on lines three and four -- I think because "pardon me not" is simply an odd contrast to "dissolved and foggy lyrics". It's an arcane and stilted phrase which seems to jut out awkwardly from the rest of the poem which is lithe and whimsical. I think rewriting those few words would give this little gem greater impact.

Overall, your poem's irrevant joy in nature's solitude reminds me quite a bit of Robert Frost, though you have a more feminine, joyful touch. Your lyrics do not strike me as dissolved and foggy, just tentative and dewey like a newborn fawn. Please write more.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: November 20, 2004 )

awkwardly puzzled
thank you ladies
I appreciate both points of view
and I agree that there can be a better way of forming the fourth line here... (as I kinda like to keep the thirds one)

meditate on this I will ..

( Posted by: City [Member] On: November 22, 2004 )





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