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If in the dead still calm of night, death befalls me, I will return in the
early dew of morning as the first sunlight.
Ever if you wish for me to guide you out of temptation, just think of this-
That is before you realize we are already together in this, whatever contempts
you apart from me, desire nothing but to stay, with me.
However blind we have become, whichever direction we take-fate is nothing less
than the parting ache, and that we feel forever.
If I sleep without you, ever again, before you awake-please don't tempt me to
follow my steps back to you-I live forever anyway.

D.E.M.-04 fiction exerpt from Count Dracula


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The following comments are for "If I sleep without you"
by Wetice

This is pretty muddled.
Hard to read and even harder to understand. Your word usage is a little off, in my opinion. For example,

"Ever if you wish for me to guide you out of temptation,"--very awkward wording

"just think of this-
That is before you realize we are already together in this,..."--Think of what? You've followed that with another line that is awkward and doesn't make a lot of sense, at least to this reader.

"whatever contempts you apart from me,"-- what, exactly, does this mean? You've used contempt as a verb, when, in fact, it is a noun (at least, I think you've used it as a verb).

This is just the first half of the submission. I find the second half to be little better. I understand that you're trying to write in old style, but I really do think you've fallen short with this particular piece. I'm sorry if I seem harsh. I do not intend to be. Perhaps the fault lies with me, but I really think this needs work. cyn

( Posted by: Cyn [Member] On: November 19, 2004 )

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