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1Capulet
1The Alienist
1Viper9

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SO this is the end! Ha-ha so what is control or better what controls you is the real question is it religion is it your government or still yet is it you morels “what is it man
Tell us already” is that what you are thinking well if it is thin I have taught you nothing
If I can even go so far as to say that am anything of a teacher. Well am going to just lay it
On the line there is no religion there is no government and yet there is still one thing left
After you take that all a way after you take away are freedom after you torched and critics those who are different that you. There is still YOU! They always said never
Use you in writing but that’s wrong anyway the only true form of control we still
Have left after the world has been explored and going into space there is still you
And after your short time on this earth who’s to say that you will be remember at all
So there are still you. No matter what the outcome be it good or bad you control you
No one else can do it for you they may try but it’s a two sided coin you have to make
That chose but you can never be made to make an ( unhonest to your self) chose.
So go be free and don’t let yourself be controlled by your self.


“Control is for those who want it”




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The following comments are for "What is control?( the final answer )"
by overlored

Respect
Seems to me that you haven't learned a very basic thing - respect for your fellow writers' intelligence. In your opinion, religion and governments don't try to control us. How do you know you haven't been manipulated into writing that - by government or religion? We're all targets of subtle attempts to control our thinking. Every day of our lives, some form of control will be tried, I don't need to list them, I respect my fellow writers intelligence.
Game over,
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: November 16, 2004 )

With Ogg
I'm with Ogg, sorry. This is an insult to the readers' intelligence on multiple levels -- conceptually, and stylistically. It's incoherent. I'd offer a more constructive critique but there's nowhere to begin.

Sigh.

Why not try a different style, I guess, something a little more structured, with connections between your ideas, and we'll see how that turns out? I'd be pleased to read it, anyway.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: November 16, 2004 )

Imagine
Did anyone else think "Imagine" by John Lennon while reading this?....I sure did. heh.

( Posted by: frenchie [Member] On: November 16, 2004 )

I teach ninth grade...
...and this is vastly worse than a lot of my students' work.

Where is PUNCTUATION?

Where is ORGANIZATION?

Where is coherence?

If people can't read it, they can't decide whether they agree with you or not.

Put down the damn crayons and start writing so people can read it: type legibly - which is to say, follow the SIMPLE and BASIC rules of writing, so that it will MAKE SENSE.

If you don't play, you can't win, and unless you write something that people can make sense of, you really haven't entered the game.

This makes me wonder if you spelled your nick correctly.

( Posted by: The Alienist [Member] On: November 17, 2004 )

Reality Check
First off, there are such things as religions and governments. I see churches everywhere, filling with people on at least a weekly basis. As well, every year the tax man comes along and reminds me quite vigorously that the government does indeed exist, and wants my money.

The saying goes something to the order of "never use 'I' in writing", but that as well is false. You teach that to children so that they'll seek other sources to reference from, rather than just relying on their own feelings. Once you become an adult, and gather some knowledge and thinking abilities, it is perfectly acceptable to use "I"; you just have to present proof of your statements, and defend them.

Your writing style is atrocious, but that's nothing I haven't said to you before. If anything, it seems to be regressing. To try and analyze this piece on individual issues would be too time consuming. I'd suggest reviewing elementary grammar and spelling rules, and then reviewing this piece. Or to try and borrow your point and reapply it:

Control your writing.

( Posted by: Capulet [Member] On: November 19, 2004 )

Final answer(edited)
Overlord,

The purpose of submiting to this site is so we may all receive advice and help to improve or writing. I have reproduced your work below with a little punctuation and a few spelling and grammatical alterations in case this is any help to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So this is the end!
Ha-ha, so what is control, or better, what it is that controls you, is the real question. Is it religion, is it your government, or still yet, is it you morals? What is it man? Tell us already. Is that what you are thinking? Well if it is then I have taught you nothing.

If I can even go so far as to say that; am I anything of a teacher? Well I am going to just lay it on the line. There is no religion, there is no government, and yet there is still one thing left. After you take all away, after you take away our freedom, after you've torched and criticised those who are different from you... there is still 'you'!

They always said never use 'you' in writing, but that’s wrong. Anyway the only true form of control we still have left after the world has been explored, and after going into space, is still 'you'.

After your short time on this earth who’s to say that you will be remembered at all?
So there is still 'you'. No matter what the outcome, be it good or bad, you control 'you'. No one else can do it for you, they may try but it’s a two sided coin. You have to make that choice, but you can never be made to make a ('dishonest to yourself') choice.

So go be free, and don’t let yourself be controlled by yourself... 'Control is for those who want it.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope this is accepted in the spirit it is offered, as I feel that your presentation will put a lot of people off from making constructive critical comment on your work.

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: November 19, 2004 )

Can it be true?
Capulet and I are actually on the same page on this one, and we almost never agree!

It's getting WORSE! Stop!

Address this problem now and come back in a few months. Yes, it's going to take a long time to fix this. You must understimate your difficulties here.

( Posted by: The Alienist [Member] On: November 20, 2004 )





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