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Peperetheflea
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11-11-04 JAKES COMPULSION
Did you ever think of walking through a graveyard at midnight, when a rianstorm with gusty winds was in progress? That was Jakes idea for years. He visited cemeteries where famous people were buried and, he did this everyday. After a few years of doing this his compulsion for the walk took hold of him.

He checked weather stations for the worst storms that were coming in and around his area. Months went by and he finally got a report of one that was slated for Monday afternoon and lasting through until Tuesday. Jake was elated! The mysterious and sick compulsion was about to begin and his adrenaline started to soar. Evening came and the rain began .

Jake began to wonder what it was going to be like, he wanted to feel every emotion, the fear and the daring doubts of the supernatural and the occult while walking among the dead that occupied the graveyard. Would he experience something that no one ever had or was this just a crazy whim?. Jake started out for the graveyard just wearing a suit coat and overalls, no boots or rubbers for him just his plain walking shoes . He entered the graveyard and , it was raining hard and heavy and the strong winds made it worse.

Jake was drenched in a matter of minutes , the moon was bright and with the wind blowing so hard that the leaves and branches were casting shadows on the grave stones. Jake began to be fearful and his heart was racing as if he had tachacardia. Noises from the wind that tossed branches and twigs that he didn’t see were getting him in a nervous panic. He continued walking and he came upon a a small knoll where a mausoleum stood. Jake slid on the wet ground and his left foot sank into the mud up to his ankle.
Jake cried out in fear so loud , he woke something up in that place, then he heard the flapping of heavy wings and the screeching of an owl, pouncing on Jake, the owl clawed at his nose then at Jakes eyes , in utter agony Jake out of nowhere began to hear shrieks and horrible torments from thousands of voices only he could hear. They were yelling “you have disturbed our peace leave us alone , no one disturbs us at night.” The voices were all garbled and in different languages. Jake went mad within his own mind , the fear of this night and the visit from the netherworld had killed him.

Morning came and, the caretakers arrived for work, they found Jake on his back with his mouth open and his eye sockets were empty , and nose emaciated and as they removed his body , they noticed the left leg had been chewed , and mangled at the ankle . Close by they saw his left foot , it had been devoured to the bones with some decomposed teeth still clinging to it. The caretakers left with the police and on the way out of the cemetery they saw a sign that was not on the gate till that morning . It read:
DO NOT DISTURB US AT NIGHT , ASK JAKE ABOUT HIS VISIT
IF HE CAN ANSWER YOU!!




------
PEPERE THE FLEA


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Comments

The following comments are for "JAKESM COMPULSION"
by peperetheflea

Do tell say the dead...
Interesting read. I am a fan of morbid curiosity,
I mean...was...your story has a compelling rival-
I liked it in its total sense of drive, the rival
aspect is the end-this has composure, but needs
more style for the driver-I can hear the engine
humming-I indeed like it.

( Posted by: Wetice [Member] On: November 15, 2004 )

Nice start, but....
I liked the start of this, the building of tension in the piece was very good. There are a few little things though. First, the line in which the moon was bright. You've already established that it was raining cats and dogs so the moon shining is a plot flaw. Secondly, you went through four paragraphs establishing tension and terror and then when the big bad happens it's over too quickly. I was hoping for a more drawn out demise. I did like that we never actually see any of the dead, just evidence of their passing, pardon the pun. Over all it was a good read. You should consider revising the paragraph with the shining moon though. I give it an 8.

( Posted by: wrath186 [Member] On: November 16, 2004 )

Good potential.
Let me help you out a little here. You have a decent story, but it could be stronger. Your weakness is your use of "passive voice" sentence structure. For example: "Jake was drenched in a matter of minutes..." The action is happening to the subject of the sentence. Try "The rain drenched Jake in a matter of minutes." This puts the rain as the subject and places a strong verb, "drenched" in place of the passive "was drenched." Think of it like this. "Was" is a helper verb. Only weak verbs need help. "Fear accelerated Jake's heartbeat." "Lost in madness, Jake perished. The netherworld claimed him as one of its own."

( Posted by: Coragen [Member] On: November 16, 2004 )

your story
I liked the twist right at the end, which added an enjoyable touch of humour. You have the foundations for a good story here. With a little polish, and some attention to punctuation, it would read even better. Thanks for sharing it with us!

Adele

( Posted by: AdeleCosgroveBray [Member] On: March 4, 2005 )





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