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This skin would make you think thereís something inside
What masterful deception
And youíd think I see with these emerald eyes
Seems youíve been mistaken

I donít have the stomach for this
Iíll throw you the knife to make the first cuts
Take whatís yours
Just leave me my fingernails

Digging into my thighs
Pulling towards my hips
Is any of this really happening
Because I canít feel this
Iím slowly disappearing
Right before your eyes
Better than any magician
Could ever design

Tell me something I want to hear
That I havenít heard in so long
All I need tonight is to be lied to
And smothered in false comforting arms

These dreams are so shallow
But still somehow I drown
Pull me in by the rope
Thatís been tied around my neck
An expected let-down.

Digging into my thighs
Pulling towards my hips
Is any of this really happening
Because I canít feel this
Iím slowly disappearing
Right before your eyes
Better than any magician
Could ever design



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Comments

The following comments are for "first cuts"
by ForLackofaBetterName

first cut, twice shy
only criticism I might make is that it feels angry, only not, if that makes any sense. I get a feeling from it, but it seems rather unenthusiastic.

nonetheless, well-written and nicely structured. well done :-).

Jonathan.

( Posted by: JonnyT [Member] On: November 15, 2004 )

mhm
Thanks for both of the comments..I'll try to work on it..your comments really point out what I need to work on and it's a big help, so thanks again. I really have trouble finishing some of my stuff and I'm trying to work on my weakneses- we'll see what's to come

( Posted by: ForLackofaBetterName [Member] On: November 15, 2004 )

objection
rogan- i do believe that the author intended the "3rd stanza" to be a chorus. this is after all, a lyric. choruses are often repeated in songs. nearly every chorus is in fact. so i think that the repetition is excused.
forlackofabettername- i liked this write alot. the chorus is very good and rogan is right about the magician line...very nice. unfortunately, jonny may be right as well, it may be missing a certain power/emotion to it. the real sad part is, i don't know how you could fix it. i think maybe something you could do to it is lengthen it. it does seem a bit short. maybe in that you will capture more emotion. i don't know. anyway, overall, a good write.

jimmy g.

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: November 15, 2004 )

like it
i've really been inpressed with all your work, and this is no exception. I really like this, the imagery is vivid and clear, i like it a lot.

( Posted by: supergranny [Member] On: November 19, 2004 )





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