Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search

Average Rating

(1 votes)

RatingRated by

You must login to vote

Beans and Weenies
by Pythagoras

“So, what did you think of him?” Suzy asks. “Pretty nice, huh?”
Mary rubs her brow as she quickly calculates her response, “Umm, yeah he was nice. I mean he was okay.”

“Oh, I think he’s more than okay? He’s smart, funny and he has a good job. Heck, he’s worked at “Beans and Weenie’s” for close to five years.” Suzy reaches across the table and grabs her friend’s arm tightly, “Hold on here, are you saying you didn’t like him?”

“Well, he seemed nice and “Beans and Weenies” is one of the better places to work in town, but …umm...didn’t you notice. He has a little outward problem.”

“Huh? Outward problem? What the hell does that mean? Outward? He’s outgoing. Hell, he’s one of the most outgoing men I’ve met. If anything he’s a little too outgoing for my tastes. Is that what you’re saying, he’s too outgoing?”

“No, I don’t mean ‘outgoing’ personality wise. Look if you like him that’s all that matters, so…”

“No, tell me what’s wrong with him. What’s his outgoing problem?”

“Well, it’s more of a wind problem than a personality problem.”

“Wind? Whaddya mean? We were in a friggen restaurant. There was no wind in there. Are you trying to imply he wears a piece? Huh? Because he doesn’t. My hands have been all through his hair and that stuff is as real as your tits…”

“What? Huh? My tits?! What kinda of comment is that? ”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just really like him and…well, look… just tell me, okay. What’s wrong with him?”

“How can I say this…hmmm….alright.” Mary pauses to rub her brow yet again. Then, after a short silence, she drops the truth like a log, “He seems to pass a lot of gas.”

“Huh, what? No, that’s not true.”

“Sure, he does it constantly. It must be all the beans at “Beans and Weenies.” Mary looks her friend in the eyes and crinkles up her nose. “And these aren’t small, timid ones either. He has some hearty, full body rectal discharges, ya know what I’m saying?”

“No way, I’d have smelled it. Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. In fact, when the waiter came over to drop off our plates, I saw him gag. I think he almost vomited right in your linguine.”

“Yeah, right. You’re exaggerating now.”

“No, I’m not. Didn’t you notice how fast the restaurant cleared out?”

“I thought they were just done and that maybe they were all friends.”

“Seventy-five people? Come on now. And it’s not just the smell. He’s noisy. You can tell he doesn’t pinch. He blasts them like we’re all deaf. Heck, some of them sounded a little wet.”

“That was him? I was wondering where all that noise was coming from? I thought maybe you were rubbing your foot against something.”

“No…and the faces…dear god, the faces!”

“Faces? You mean he makes fart faces? In public?!?!”

“Sure, his face gets all red like he’s pushing, and his lips curl up and his eyes look like they are going to pop right out of his skull.”

“Wow, I don’t know how I missed all that, but I’m sure glad you met him before this got too serious.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Opps…I have to get going now.”

“Why? What’s the hurry? You’re not mad at me, are you?”

“No…of course not. It’s just that this glass eye is starting to hurt my socket and my colostomy bag needs to get drained before it starts dripping down my side.”

“Ewww, gross. Then you should run along and thank your stars that you dodged a big bullet tonight. After all, the last thing you want to do is get tied down to a farter.”

"Yeah, I don't know what could be worse than that."

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?


The following comments are for "Beans and Weenies"
by Pythagoras

smells like bean spirit

A bagful of flatulent fun.

Truly an eye-popper.

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: November 14, 2004 )

Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.