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I'm stuck in this place
A place you'll never know
I'm here in this place
To you i'll never show
I'll hide in this place
It keeps me at ease
I'll stay in this place
I'm never gonna leave.


------
<<-Hillary->>


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The following comments are for "Stuck."
by IamMEdontTRYtoCHANGEit

Liked it, but....
No wasted words, Hillary, but the 4th line felt awkward.
Maybe 'I'll never show to you.' would be better?
Otherwise, excellent job, very claustrophobic feel (have I spelt that right?).
Take care
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: November 9, 2004 )

Depends
I'm going to argue with you Claire (gasp, shock, horror). If Hillary's 'you' is a specific person, then keeping 'you' in is important, since 'you' is the direct target of her anger. If it's a general everybody as 'you' then fair enough. She also has a half-rhyme at the ends of lines 6 and 8, which works well, so why not have another departure from rhyming in lines 2 and 4?
Better get ready for incoming Clairtillery!
Take care
Paul the scared Ogg

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: November 10, 2004 )





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