Snow falling softly
Enveloping the land,
------ Jean Bailey Robor
The following comments are for "Glacial Gift" by AngelChik
Thanks for taking time to honor my good ole dog, Beau, the other day.-much apprecaited
This is very nice imagery. I am far from an expert on any of this, but my two cents: if you play with the concept of haiku, follow the basic rules. 5-7-5. It's a good exercise.
how about- 'first kisses, then sweeps the land'
'envelops and holds the land'
both seven syllables...
Hope I didn't over-stay my welcome...
I enjoyed your haiku-
Posted by: emaks [Member] On: November 9, 2004
Thanks for the input! Haiku is new to me and I welcome any feedback. Thanks again!
Posted by: AngelChik [Member] On: November 10, 2004
To further point out Emaks's note, the tense must be simple, not continuous. The -ing does well in haiku only as a gerund.
Using the world of your words:
"...snow falling hugs..."
Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: November 10, 2004
I'm new at Haiku...could you please explain your comment? Thanks!
Posted by: Angelchik [Member] On: November 11, 2004
Present continuous verbs do not impart a true haiku feel to such terse form of writing, Haiku is about an event, or a consequence of an ongoing event. For example:
something drips, or dripped,
a flower fell on a cat (ref. Windchime’s Cat Hat Haiku),
a noisy(humming!) bee alit on a peaceful still life,
rain water runs, smears, torn, washed something else
The three lines of a haiku are not one sentence. In your work, it is NOT to be thoughtof as
“Snow falling softly, enveloping the land - winter's offering.”
It is three separate event-objects. Classically, the first line should be a set-up, the second a description, a painting, an attribution, the third a resolution, a punch line. The punch line can be related to the second line, as if a part of a sentence:
“rain dribbles … dropping tears
on sad crackling candles.”
As far as –ing in haikus, if it is a continuous verb (bug is flying) even less acceptably so as an intransitive verb (vs. transitive “eating a fleck”), such verbs do not paint an immediacy, or still life. At best they create a picture of something that IS happening, now, and there is no cause to introduce unwarranted feelings, situations, to invoke situations that the reader can associate with, - who knows if the bug will have eaten a fleck, bugs usually eat up flecks, who knows if snow is falling softly, what if wind comes and blows it harshly into dog’s eyes? If it is NOT falling softly, IS it still enveloping the land? If not, then it is NOT the offering.
The best way to use -ing forms of verbs is in the gerund, adjective or noun form.
This is according to philosophy of haiku. More on English haiku, though a bit too pedantic is at http://www.poetrylives.com/SimplyHaiku/SHv2n3/index2.html
Thus, an example of your work rewritten, where falling is a noun:
Snow’s soft falling hugs
land is enveloped pristine,
2 oz Vodka
2 scoops Vanilla ice-cream
1 glass Lemonade
blenderize vodka and add ice crem. Add lemonade.
Have nice weekend,
Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: November 12, 2004
Thanks! I appreciate your response. Going to print it out and see if I can do it better next time! Thanks again!
Posted by: AngelChik [Member] On: November 12, 2004
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