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Somehow we all faltered when darkness descended, the strength of our own will could not withstand the ground underneath which was shaking recklessly, as if thrown into convulsing hysteria. We prayed with blind eyes opened in the pitch blackness, but it seemed as though light from the other side couldn’t teleport us to redemption. When your smile curved and unfolded itself like my fist loosened to a visible palm, I knew I was waiting for your phial of love to brand it, beyond ephemeral feelings and memories.



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The following comments are for "your ethereal song"
by inundatedgrace

One big paragraph o' poetry.
This isn't really a flash fic in spirit. It yearns to be broken up into stanzas and stashed safely in its niche, far away in the poetry section. Home is calling it.
It's a clever little exercise in using big words, really. Some may call me a hypocrite, but there's a difference between style and an advanced idiom. And this, as much as it may pain you deeply to hear it, doesn't have much style. No pacing, no rhythm, and no overriding sense of vision or anything. It's vague to a fault, though you may choose to say 'abstract'.
There's an awkward spot: 'We prayed with blind eyes opened in the pitch blackness...'
'Pitch blackness'? It's a bit clumsy. Consider any other word you know for 'darkness' and use that.
And it smells disturbingly like melodramatic teen poetry.

You're not without talent, but this is more indulgent and overstated than it needs to be. Concentrate more on subtlety and style and less on your impressive vocabulary.

( Posted by: MacLaren [Member] On: November 14, 2004 )





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