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Looking For Bright Spots

Like me, many of you are probably dealing with a lot of gloating conservatives right about now. They’re walking around smiling with their chests stuck out… acting as if they have personally won something. This behavior makes me chuckle, because as their vote confirms, they just don’t get it…elections aren’t the lottery…you’re job isn’t to pick a winner, but to pick the best person to run the country.

Still, since they’re feeling pretty good about themselves, why not use it to our advantage? (heh, heh) And here’s a few ways how:

Take a conservative fishing : Yep, I know the last place you want to be is alone on a boat with a conservative, but there’s a method to our madness. After all, conservatives have bought the bullshit that Bush is good for the environment and as a result, they are completely unaware that Bush has removed government protections from thousands of miles of creeks, rivers and coastal areas…not to mention that the freshwater bodies in 17 states are so contaminated with mercury that eating the fish with any regularity is basically suicide and that forty-five states warn against eating at least some fish for the very same reason.

So take a conservative fishing, and when giving them all of your catch be sure to say, “Hey, to the victor goes the spoils. You’ve earned this.”

Other outdoor activities : I know, after all that fishing its unlikely that you want to be outside with your conservative “friend,” and in this case, I’m with you. For reasons I’ll get into shortly, your job isn’t to spend time with them, but to encourage your republican supporter to partake in the great outdoors. Why? Many years ago a government program known as Superfund was created. Its purpose was to clean up toxic waste sites created by the chemical and oil industries…and it was funded primarily through a tax on them. However, Bush, in his infinite wisdom, failed to renew the environmental taxes on these industries and as a result, the Superfund is essentially bankrupt. Now, one out of every four Americans lives within a few miles of a neglected Superfund site.

So buy your friend a bat, a ball, or a Frisbee (preferably one bearing GW’s image), and tell them to go outside and breath deeply, just like your kids use to do. After all, those aren’t daisies he’s smelling—that’s toxic waste…mmmm, hmmm.

(When Bush left Texas to become our president, air pollution around Houston was so severe it was killing an estimated 435 people per year and a town just south of Houston led the nation in both childhood asthma and cancer.)

Don’t forget the beach : Encourage your conservative friend to sunbathe as much as possible and when they try to put on sunscreen, slap it out of their hands and tell them to stop acting like a “liberal pussy.” While they're still smarting from that rebuke, toss 'em some spray-on olive oil to apply instead.

If they hesitate to use it, all the better. Then you can call 'em a little wuss tree-hugging, liberal, fancy boy who's afraid of a little sun.

That should have these faux macho men oiling up in no time. Now, all you have to do is sit back, and let the tumors take root. After all, if stupidity is going to be their demise, the least we can do is help it along.

Visit a conservative at work : The October (04) job numbers are in and the Bush team is pretty happy. I’m not really sure why since manufacturing has lost another 5,000 jobs this month (which comes to 19,000 over the past two). On the bright side, the servicing industry has seen yet another month of increases. That’s right “servicing,” which is fancy speak for “servants.” We Americans are moving from manufacturing to serving…is that really a direction we want to be moving in?

So go down to your local eatery and visit a conservative…they’ll be easy to recognize, since they’ll probably be the ones bringing you your meal. And when your conservative wait staff sets down your bill, remind them that if Reagan hadn’t crushed the unions and if Bush had done more to keep manufacturing jobs here, they’d probably be working in a factory right now making roughly $30,000 in today’s wages with benefits, sick time, vacation time, a pension, a certain amount of job security and overtime pay.

And people say your vote doesn’t count, piss—shaw….

Note to conservatives who may be reading this: Ya know what’s funny, the stuff about factory work with all of the benefits, it sounds like a fairy tale, but until Reagan that was reality….everyone had those things…and could still have them today. My mother had only a high school degree when she went to work at a local factory. She made a living wage, had full benefits including dental and eye, and a pension which supports her now in retirement…she earned all of that for packing plastic bottles into a box.

People say that companies can’t afford that today…Bullshit! In case you haven’t noticed, our corporations are banking billions. They are more profitable then ever. They could continue to support their workforce, but they’ve found supporting republicans to be more profitable. And until we as a society stop voting like a bunch of jack-offs, they will continue to feel this way. Why do you allow the republican media to prejudice you against clean air, clean water, unions (who are there to protect your job dip-shit), free access to the courts and the friggen bill of rights?

Damn, people…stop voting yourself and your children into slavery.

One final note, Hitler also used the media to prejudice the masses against the poor and infirm…he said they were a drain on society, which isn’t true…it’s the lack of them that’s a drain. If you don’t believe me, study the great depression. Remember, you are much closer to needing social programs than you are to being rich…that’s right, it just takes one accident, one ill-timed lay off or one unexpected injury.

Don’t you throw away your social security nets…they may be all that keep you from becoming a whore.

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

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The following comments are for "Looking For Bright Spots"
by Pythagoras

That's really funny
Not to mention very well-written and researched! If only more of the polital rants and opinions on this page were as funny yet poignant as this one. Four MooFish.

>( ')-MOO >( ')-MOO >( ')-MOO >( ')-MOO

( Posted by: Spider [Member] On: November 8, 2004 )

Claire, tina, and spider
Spider...I'll take the moo-fish as compliment...thanks for taking the time to comment.

Tina...yes, I've tried to be more humorous...mainly to keep from slitting my wrists :)...thanks for the words.


I try to avoid calling conservatives stupid, but from the liberal perspective that is the way poor ones appear. It is befuddling why so many conservative non-millionaires would vote for a president that has done so much to corrupt our gov't.

I have reasoned that the liberal areas just so happen to be media centers. So here in the n. East we have access to more radio stations, news papers, magazines, television stations, art, and public speakers who present us with varied perspectives. Where as in the southern and middle portions of our country, your media outlets, your churches, your friends and community leaders primarily express a conservative view. Since the vast majority of your peers praise the republican party it is only reasonable for you to support the most unreasonable candidate.

However, I'll make a deal. You go to the library and sneak out (I don't want you to get lynched) "Crimes Against Nature," by Robert F. Kennedy...its only 200 pages, and I'll read the most persuasive writer you can think of. Then we can offer up contrasting book reviews. What do you say?


( Posted by: Pythagoras [Member] On: November 9, 2004 )

After posting my previous comment, I noticed an error in my closing paragraph. That's what happens when you think slower than you can type.

In reference to Hitler's view of the old and the infirm, I had said, "...he said they were a drain on society, which isn’t true."

I meant to say something like..."they were a drain on society because of the social programs they required, which isn't true..."

Because social programs save society money as they reduce crime, reduce the prison population, reduce the burden on families to support their brethren, and they are humane.


( Posted by: Pythagoras [Member] On: November 9, 2004 )

Conservatives gone fishin'
Just when I thought I could follow your exit from the murky polluted swamp of political opinion...

I agree with Claire(!) regarding your unfair characterization of conservatives. After all, by definition conservatives believe in conservation.

After rummaging through my bag-o'-obscure-words with the aid of my faithful dog-eared Thesaurus, I humbly suggest"revanchist" as a more accurate term for your intended target.

Forget about visiting the park, National parks will have to be "ownership society" self-supporting fee-generators in competition with theme parks (Feed the dancing bears $20- Shows hourly following Old Faithful's new, more faithful geyser depiction) or providers of consumer products(Your grandparents drove through it, now a portion of this historic Giant Redwood can be a tasteful symbol of your love for nature as well as a beautiful coffee table)

Secure living-wage jobs with generous benefits are an inefficient anachronism in comparison with highly profitable sweatshop and slave labor available overseas. Show some appreciation for the employment opportunities and bargain prices at Walmart while consuming the healthful bounty provided at Mc Donalds, or vice-versa.

Who needs suntan or olive oil? A frolic in the waves provides a protective petroleum coating couresy of your friendly big oil corporations.

Concern over the demise of Rust-Belt manufacturing jobs was met with re-assurance of the "service economy" riding to the rescue. Now any service not requiring the presence on premises of the employee(computer programming, telephone customer service, etc.) is subject to outsourcing. Welcome to the "ownership economy",
a welcome return to the days of indentured servitude. Own or be owned(just don't get sick).

I'm going to go hug a tree.

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: November 9, 2004 )

re: Gone Fishing & Demeter

While I will agree that the root word of Conservative is probably conserve, but in political practice it has become a synonym for republican...and I have met very few conservatives who care a whoot about conservation.

The PBS definition of conservative is :A conservative is a person to the right of center on the U.S. political spectrum. Of the two main political parties, the Republican Party is regarded as being the more conservative. Conservatives tend to uphold tradition and oppose major changes in laws and institutions. Conservatives generally oppose "big government" and support free-market economic policies and low taxes.

Sounds like a republican to me.

And I while generalities should be avoided, I think statistically the vast majority of conservatives voted for in this case I feel safe in making it.

By the way, I loved your comments about the oil coating and the ownership economy...funny and on target as usual.

Demeter, thanks for reminicing about the way things were and supporting my claim in the process. Monopolies now rule our landscape and the individual american is being trampled... It absolutely sickens me---and I'm sure you feel the same way.


( Posted by: Pythagoras [Member] On: November 9, 2004 )

If it Don't kill You
It'll just make you tougher. I guess you are getting tougher, Pythagorus. Although I know this is all serious business, your writing was very funny. I had a good laugh over the whole thing. What we see emerging all over the country is a leaner, stealthier democrat. Even The Onion is getting better at satire, with titles like "Goergia considers an alternative theory to mathematics," and now--this! Things may not be getting any better, but humor is sure getting more humorous.
Mechanically flawless, and all the ideas are set forth clearly. Excellent as always, Pyth.

( Posted by: brickhouse [Member] On: November 15, 2004 )

Masterful Chuckling Dread
That word, "masterful," says it all, methinks, but I'll throw in a couple of qoutes in support of the presuppositions behind your strategy, as well (quotes are like crack to me, the lazy):

Here's a nice one from Derrick Jensen:

"We will follow the rules laid down by Noah and his remaining sons and we will walk
backward to not see our father’s nakedness. It does not matter how great the cost to
others nor even to ourselves, we will soldier on. We will, ourselves, walk quietly,
meekly, into whatever form the gas chambers take, if only we are allowed to believe they
are bathrooms."

Milton Mayer, on some uncomfortable parallels with current White House strategy. It's long but worth reading:

"What happened here was the gradual habituation of the people, little by little, to being
governed by surprise; to receiving decisions deliberated in secret, to believing that the
situation was so complicated that the government had to act on information which the
people could not understand, or so dangerous that, even if the people could understand it,
it could not be released because of national security. . . . Nazism gave us some dreadful,
fundamental things to think about -- we were decent people -- and kept us so busy with
continuous changes and “crises” and so fascinated, yes, fascinated, by the machinations of the “national enemies,” without and within, that we had no time to think about those
dreadful things that were growing, little by little, all around us. Unconsciously, I suppose,
we were grateful. Who wants to think?

But most importantly, here's George Orwell:

"The aim of a joke is not to degrade a human being, but to remind him that he is already

Put them all together with your fantastic little humour piece and what have ya got? Despair!


Oh god . . .

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: November 15, 2004 )

Brick and Viper
Brick, thanks for the comments and also reminding me of "The Onion." Its one of those great websites that I used to visit regularly, and then somehow, I just completely forgot about it. I have to add that back into my weekly web tour.

Viper, I like those quotes...and what's staggering to me is how accurate so many quotes are from the Nazi regime to today. I just read one yesterday, I believe it was Goerings, where he said controlling the masses is easy. You just tell them that they're being attacked and if anyone challenges you, just criticize their patriotism.

If that doesnt' bring home the importance of studying history I don't know what does.


( Posted by: Pythagoras [Member] On: November 16, 2004 )

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