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In the candlelight, amidst soft sheets
and perfumed pillows,
Hills and valleys are discovered
by expert reconnaissance
with carefully maneuvered hands
and smart lips,
Precision at its finest.
Searching for targets which will
meet the test of proportional response.
Secret weapons lurk which are
used in stealth and utterly consume
as they find their center.
A devouring of all in its path,
an explosion of a different kind,
Which first rejuvenates,
then exhausts;
As the earth moves,
the ground shudders
and the sheets lay on the floor
as two melt into one.
The quiet waits for the reload
and a second strike.




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Comments

The following comments are for "A Proportional Response"
by Clairesbest

I really liked this, Claire.
It made me smile. I think you could tighten it up just a bit, though. The part that my mind keeps coming back to starts with "Secret weapons lurk". I think it's because you've used the word "as" three times in those next few lines. If you don't mind, I'd like to suggest a couple of tiny revisions.

...used in stealth and utterly consume when they find their center

Devouring all in its path, an explosion of a different kind...

The earth moves, the ground shudders and the sheets lay on the floor...

This way, you're down to one "as" and tightened up the rest of it a teeny bit.

All this is just my opinion, of course. I did enjoy the poem as it stands. Cyn

( Posted by: Cyn [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

lovemaking vs. frenzy
Hi Cyn! I appreciate the s uggestion...and it might read more smoothly as you suggest. You know there are poems about making love, and then are poems about uhhhh...frenzied chaotic encounters (hows that for politically correct..LOLOL) , and I kind of wanted this one to "be" a little chaotic, choppy, and less fluid than one about "lovemaking"....But I can see where your suggestion might make it read better...and as always..Thank you for reading it a your suggestion....Im slowly but surely catching up on commenting, and can't wait to read some of your new things...

Claire

( Posted by: Clairesbest [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

Chaotic frenzy....
...Your theme came through for me-'right on target' excuse the pun! In closing my eyes my mind painted the picture of reckless abandoned lovemaking at its best, totally uninhibited!

( Posted by: CJHerlihy [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

on target
Hot stuff eloquently expressed- hits the bullseye!

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

This Soldier...
Is impressed... Your target of opportunity is a lucky man...

I loved the reload interlude and the second strike reference...

These are terms that wet my appetite and I can sink my teeth (and thoughts of desire) into... LOL

Another greatly crafted temptation Claire...

Meet you in a foxhole one day...

Hmmmm... Co-ed Foxholes... Now there's a warming thought... LOL

( Posted by: daprdan [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

Claire's Proportional...
You personify poet with this Claire; you take the ugly words and expose them for what they can be. You use your strength best when you use it for love and I think here, you prove that so well. Wonderful Claire. Namaste

( Posted by: tinalouise [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

Claire's Response
Claire,

I am impressed, very creative thoughts here. I like Dan's idea of meeting in the foxhole. Very funny. Good job! Like that things have gone back to sexiness, lol.

Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: November 7, 2004 )

The Combat Zone
This is something I can totally relate to Claire. You did a fabulous job of it too.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

M.A.S.H.
A bit too combat(MASH-like) to me...concept nouns depersonalize the point of view for such a luscious content. It could be easily completed as a ravishing romp between two souls in the military setting.

TEflon

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

Nicely...
articulated i must say the word choice is very great but besides for the diction of the poem, the fluidity of it works.

( Posted by: ryangilr0y [Member] On: March 26, 2005 )

thank you so much
the impression this made, on each person individually, was a pleasure to behold. I thank you.

Claire

( Posted by: clairesbest [Member] On: March 27, 2005 )

Claire
Hi Claire.

williamhill

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: March 28, 2005 )

hi charlie
Charlie :) Thank you for reading! Nice to see you.

Claire

( Posted by: clairesbest [Member] On: March 29, 2005 )

Claire's noncombative maneuvers
Claire: This was posted before my landing on this wondrous place. Thanks to a recent comment, I came upon it. Nicely done. Unconditional surrender comes to mind...

Good to read your work again,
Bobby

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: March 29, 2005 )





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