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Odds and Ends

"Smoke up Johnny. You need your vitamin C."
Just for fun, imagine that the tobacco industry had fortified cigarettes with vitamin D or any other of the 8 essential vitamins and minerals. If they had, do you think parents would be giving their kids a Kool with their morning bowl of cereal? After a while, do you think kids would complain about having to smoke the whole thing? How funny would it be to hear parents tell their kids to inhale or smoke it way down to the filter?

I hope I never reach the point where adult diapers seem like a good alternative.

Consumer Safety Tip : If you buy soda in a glass bottle, don’t eat the bottle. It’s glass and it will kill you.

If you were to rank all of the products that should be white, wouldn’t underwear be way down on the list? And yet, what do you think is the most common color of underwear? hmmm…

Public Service Announcement : Don’t gargle with marbles. You could chip a tooth.

How many years do you think it will be before most woman wear only nipple-clips and thongs in public?

Why do men have nipples? And if we’re willing to remove the male foreskin at birth, why don’t we take their nipples as well?

Consumer Safety Tip : Don’t slam your dick in a door, a drawer or a toolbox. It only sounds like fun.

When I was first told that the pupil was a hole in my eye, I would stand in front of a mirror for hours trying to work up the courage to put a needle into it. I reasoned that if I had a steady hand, I could put it in and pull it out without causing any harm. I was a real stupid fuck.

Why can’t I pee in public? I don't see why animals should have more freedom than I do.

To trick gamblers into thinking they were going to win, shouldn’t casinos try to look like they’re going out of business?

Business Tip : Don’t worry about the quality of your product…it’s the quality of the container that counts. Look at female cosmetics.

If we live in a free society, how come I can’t kill myself? And wouldn’t the world be better off if some people had used that option? After all, do we really want people running around who don’t really want to be running around?

Shouldn’t there be a law against wiping boogers on things? And while we’re on the subject, do you suppose “boogers” have a medical name? And if so, can you imagine a group of doctors arguing about which one it would be?

Do you think doctors look forward to sticking things up people’s asses?

Why do women go to male gynecologists? I don’t know if I’d go to a guy who chose a career dedicated to the study of pussy….especially since he probably made that choice when he was eighteen. Come to think of it, the only real difference between a gyno and the guy who runs the porn store is whether or not he could afford to go to college. Isn't that kind of creepy?

Shouldn’t doctors have to post their college transcripts in the waiting room? And if they did, don't you think you’d spend a lot less time “waiting.”

Public Service Announcement : If you must masturbate while driving, do so with your left hand. That way your right will be free to work the radio.

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

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The following comments are for "Odds and Ends"
by Pythagoras

What now?
Entertaining post-political potpourri.

I offer this:

Public Safety Advisory

Avoid shaving while driving. Use of that tiny mirror combined with the distractions of traffic could lead to a nasty nick.

Don't stick Willie in the Hoover.

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: November 6, 2004 )

Willie in the hoover?
Thanks Soos for the good advice about driving and for the whole hoover thing Demeter, I wonder how many guys have tried condiments.

Don't laugh...I'm sure there's plenty of horny guys who've gotten to know their jar of relish in a biblical way...not me of course, I have some self restraint. ;)

But when visiting someone with teenage boys, I'd avoid their mayonnaise---just to be safe.


( Posted by: Pythagoras [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

Free Willie

I could probably count on my one free hand the number of males who have NOT pondered membership in the Hoover club.

Thanks again, Pyth.

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

Relishing sauce from the Gander
Males admittedly are of two minds- one of which is capable of occaisonal non-sexual thought. We may have a tendency toward primitive behaviours(OMIGOD, I've gone ENGLISH!-but not gay-{subparentetic: not that there is anything wrong with that}) justified in hindsight by reason, but our predictability must be reassuring as opposed to the cyclical nature of inscrutable feminine desires and motivations. I make no claims to superiority here, I merely proclaim the inherent consistency of our illogism (don't look it up, it's hand-crafted for this moment).

Forgive my meandering, I'm grasping(groping?) for apolitical relevance in this brave old world.

Even the lack of true holes in your bag engages my dinosaur brain- we deserve your gratitude for our ability to ape civility.

Testosterone Rules! (our planet, unfortunately)

Begging your forgiveness(with barely concealed excitement)


( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

to clarify
Previous comment was reply to Demeter- Pyth, I admire your style but...

describe yourself... Never mind!

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )

had potential, but ultimately trite
The pupil thread was actually unique and evocative, but you spoiled it by selling out at the end with the "stuipd fuck" comment. Seems like you could write some insightful stuff if you avoided the cliche "dick" and gyno jokes -- they've been done a million times, and never get funnier or less offensive. Try an entire essay without the sophmoric humor, and see how its received.

( Posted by: brad [Member] On: December 4, 2004 )

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