Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
10

(1 votes)


RatingRated by
10supergranny

You must login to vote

She walks another day
Unsure of why she stays
She cries another tear
She grows another fear
She starts to strain
She feels new pain
But you’d never know
She cries at night
Still away at morning’s light
Her head in space
A fake smile on her face
Hyperness to hide
The pain she feels inside
But you’d never know
She feels alone and lost
Can’t distinguish reason or cost
Oh if pain was wealth
She only hates herself
She takes it all to heart
But hides all that’s falling apart
But you’d never know
She acts sugar high
But you’d never guess why
She acts like life’s a treat
But you’d never ask about her defeats
You don’t intend to know
So she doesn’t let it show
And yet you never ask.


------
<<-Hillary->>


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "you'd never know"
by IamMEdontTRYtoCHANGEit

just one suggestion
these feel like 7 line stanzas finishing 'you'd never know'. That line breaks the rhyming pattern and really emphasises the point cleverly.
Pushed together though, I don't know, perhaps try them as separate stanzas as well? This is purely a personal thing - otherwise, the usual comments, good tight scan, rhyming scheme excellent and includes some subtle breaks from your style as well - job well done.
Take care
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: ogg [Member] On: November 6, 2004 )

love it
i agree with ogg on the 7 line stanze break idea... i think it would give it a more organized feel. and also, i loved this piece, what it said is so true for so many people and how it was worded was awesome! great poem!

( Posted by: supergranny [Member] On: November 7, 2004 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: