Change of Heart
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This election has taught me a lot of things and as much as I hate to admit it, Hannity is and has been much smarter than I am. You see, while I’ve wasted numerous years of my life helping others----the poor and the needy, he and his ilk have dedicated theirs to helping themselves and exceedingly rich corporations.
The thing is, I had had faith in the American people. I believed they deserved better, but this election once more proved me completely wrong. If the American people are incapable of seeing how dangerous this president is to them and their way of life, than we got exactly what we deserve.
That is why you are going to be seeing a new, and improved “Pythagoras.” No more will I be pushing for those sissy, pansy ass liberal issues. Clean air? Clean water? Fuck it. We don’t need it. We don’t deserve it.
From now on, I’m conservative all the way baby. I just hope the republicans have room on their bandwagon because I have a big mouth and I take up a lot of space. So move the fuck over people and you god-damned cripples and old fucks better start pulling your own damn weight or I’ll be the first motherf-er to throw you the hell off.
Boy, that felt good. I’ve been waiting a long time to get that off of my chest and while I’m at it, here’s a few more things I’d like to a say:
Minorities and poor white people: Go to hell…all of you. You bastards, most of which are either under-educated or liberal, haven’t learned to stand on your own two feet. We don’t need you or want you in this new conservative nation. Well, that’s not entirely true. We need someone to clean the bathrooms. We need someone to pick our f-ing fruit. So I guess you SOB’s can do that…but otherwise you can just stay out of our way. You can work here, but don’t expect any frigging rights, freedoms or healthcare…You got that? Good…damn cockroaches.
Gays: Look, I know god said some shit about tolerance, but you people get on my friggen nerves and while I want a free country, I want it to be free for people to only do the things I want them to do. And here’s some news for you f-ing twisted fruit cock-tails, I don’t want men poking men. Woman poking woman is okay, and I think Bill O’Reilly is on my side here, but it should preferably be done on video and by skinny hot chicks. Otherwise, you f-ers can stay out of sight like the minorities and poor white trash….Got it? Or do we have to get physical?
Environment Nut-jobs: What fricken purpose do you people serve? Seriously, can’t you see I’m trying to make a buck here? Sure, my toxic shit is polluting waterways and causing 1 in 6 women to have mercury polluted wombs…but hey, do you think most woman are smart enough to make the damned connection between the water and their retarded babies? Of course not, so save your breath, buy a power plant, and let’s get rich together…sssshhhhh, just don’t tell the poor folk, they may one day vote us out.
Abortionists: You are the only people who should have been aborted….actually, that’s not true. We conservatives need you. You provide one hell of a big smokescreen, and while most of my new found brethren are watching you, they miss that we upper echelon republicans have made it easier for corporations to kill them in mass. So, good job baby killers…er…no… I mean….Abortion is satan’s work…Rise up my poor white brother and sister…let’s put an end to this vile, vile act…(wink, wink)
Consumer Safety Bullshit: Oh, I’m so sick and tired of hearing sissy ass consumers whine about how dangerous products are.
“Ooo, I cut my lip. Give me a million dollars.”
“Oww, your eyewear caused me to go blind.”
“Yikes, your car seat killed my baby.”
Oh shut the “F” up. Companies sell you the products and if you can’t keep them out of your eye or your baby’s throat, that’s your own damn business. If it causes a tumor, well…that’s free trade. I guess some other poor SOB will learn from you and stop buying our shit…but I doubt it. In the meantime, smoke up, drink it down, and die quietly….We on the same page here?
Good, because I have a product I wanna push. Here’s how it works. I take dog shit from my yard and my neighbor’s and I'll put it in a box with an American flag on it and then, I call it breakfast cereal. I haven’t settled on a brand name yet, but I’m thinking something like “Freedom Wheat,” or “Patriot Flakes.” The best part is, I can say it’s all natural so I may even sell some to those foo-foo liberals.
Ahh yes, I can see it now, kids all over the country eating my chocolaty cereal and saying, almost in unison, “Mmm-hmm, that’s some good shit.”
And just like people who eat mass produced hamburger patties, they’ll never know how accurate they really are.
Our Brave Fighting People: Here’s a tough one, because I want them to do well. I just don’t wanna hafta provide them with bulletproof vests, radios, bullets, armor plating, a living wage or healthcare. Let’s face facts, that shit costs money and I’d rather be spending it on products I’m invested in---like those billion dollar fighter planes that rust in giant parking lots and are replaced every three years even though they’ve rarely left the friggen ground. As for the armor plating, I hear that our soldiers are creating their own by using plywood and sandbags. Now that’s the American spirit! I’m so proud of our soldiers, and it’s good to see them trying to take some personal responsibility for their own survival. I only hope that they come back home with the same “can-do” spirit. The last f-ing thing I want is for them to start looking for a goddamned handout. What? Just because they’ve been maimed defending this country doesn’t mean that they should be cared for on society’s tab. No f-ing way. If they want that shit, they better move to Canada.
Yes, being a republican is good. I think I may even run for office. Maybe I should move to Louisiana and buy a puffy shirt, a big hat, an eye patch, and a hand hook. I’ll call myself the “pirate” candidate. Whaddya think? I could promote myself as the lying tough-talking, pirate for president. And when I’m caught screwing the little guy, figuratively and literally, I’ll reply, “Whadjya expect? I told you I was a pirate.”
I just have to wait four more years. Don’t ruin it all Prez Bush. Please, please, please, save some for me.
Here’s my first campaign slogan, “AYYYE! Matey! Just you wait until I’m president. Those scurvy dog terrorists will be shaking in their boots…Ayyye!”
So whaddya think? Will it play in the deep south?
What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?