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Water flows in the ear, drowns fear's sound in a salted tear;
been a year without the other near to fall into, sleeping,
keeping memories locked in a box without a word or a key,
black heart on display for all to see, an exhibit of apathy:
too cold outside to be a stray in the shadow, dreaming.

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The following comments are for "Track 3"
by verve

Spot on.
Like Rogan, I've been following your posts here with this style. Some of them are good... some are okay... and then there are some that are among my favorites from of all time. This one is a goodie. You've hit the rhythm perfectly, and it drives the reader forward relentlessly. Good stuff.

The only question I have: at the end, when you put "a stray", did you mean "astray"? The meaning would only be subtly different, but I think 'astray' would work better.

Thank you. :)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: November 5, 2004 )

always excellent

Ever since my first days at Lit, I've been impressed by your work and this piece is no exception to that ancient rule. I look forward to seeing more from your pen and would like to direct you to the banner for Elixir Magazine on the front page. I'd like to see your work in our inaugural issue.

Thanks for the read...


( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: November 12, 2004 )

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