Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
10

(1 votes)


RatingRated by
10supergranny

You must login to vote

note: i never write poems but i was just free writing with a friend one day and i came up with this off the top of my head. i wasn't going to post it unless i added on to it and wrote music to it but my friend told me she thought i should post it as a poem. so i'm a bit self-conscious about this post and would enjoy any available feedback. thank you all and thank you val.

jimmy g.


"Thunder Breaks"

Rushing…the ER is a mess
The baby’s heart stops beating
The mother lays her new born to rest
With tears in her eyes
And there is thunder in the skies

Slowly…the old man gets out of bed
Goes to get the mail
Gets a feeling of dread
His lungs quit breathing
And there is thunder in the skies

Screeching…the break pedal is forced
Glass shatters and metal screams
One two many drinks for the trucker
At least they were together to die
And there is thunder in the skies

people die
an angel’s heart breaks
and thunder splits the heavens

------
jimmy g--do you see my heart? it is lying on the floor.


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Thunder Breaks"
by JimmyAndHisRocket

A poet born
And we were here to see it! Thunder as angels' sorrow is a powerful image. I think you should keep it and work on it. This could be the starting point for both a lyric and an outstanding poem. I say work them both. Cheers. -Philo

( Posted by: Philo [Member] On: November 6, 2004 )

thunder
i really like this... i like it as a poem, but i also see how it could be a song. I love that you personify the thunder in the end. great way to wrap up the poem. awesome job, no need to be self-concious.

( Posted by: supergranny [Member] On: November 6, 2004 )

thanks
thank you all for the speedy feedback and i welcome much more...especially if you have good things to say...just kidding. anyways, claire, thankyou for the spell check. i always have had trouble with word form usage. philo and supergranny, thank you for your compliments. they were all very encouraging.

jimmy g.

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: November 6, 2004 )

Especially liked the ending
Did anyone else think "It's the end of the world as we know it" after reading this?

Good write, I liked it :-).

Jonathan

( Posted by: JonnyT [Member] On: November 6, 2004 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: