Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
7

(4 votes)


RatingRated by
10frenchie
7Spudley
10supergranny
1Viper9

You must login to vote

“Floating”

Lying on the bed next to each other
In the quiet of the night her touch makes me shudder
We’re on our backs looking at the ceiling
We lie there just talking just listening
And nothing could stop us

Lying on the bed next to each other
Lying on our sides looking at one another
But I can’t see your eyes in the dark, dark night
Just staring and holding her hand tight
And nothing could stop us

And we are young
And we are smooth
And we are beautiful
Sure, we’ll be up
Sure, we’ll be down
But now we are floating

And the dark, it is our friend
Idle hands are definitely going to have to end
And we melt right into each other
I give you one kiss, give you two and you give me another
And nothing could stop us

Your skin feels so warm and so smooth
I feel every muscle as you make a move
We’re potential yes we could laugh or we could cry
Just tell me how you feel you don’t need to lie
And nothing could stop us

And we are young
And we are smooth
And we are beautiful
Sure, we’ll be up
Sure, we’ll be down
But now we are floating

It’s lights out over the city
It’s hands down in this room
And the shadows have a playground on your body
Under these covers, under this ceiling
Under this building, under the sky
It’s lights out over the city
It’s hands down in this room
And the shadows have a playground on your body
Under these covers, under this ceiling
Under this building, under the sky

And we are young
And we are smooth
And we are beautiful
Sure, we’ll be up
Sure, we’ll be down
But now we are floating



------
jimmy g--do you see my heart? it is lying on the floor.


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Floating"
by JimmyAndHisRocket

claire
thank you for the comment. i'm not sure where there is a "tense shift". the only spot that i thought maybe you would be referring to is "nothing could stop us". i feel like this line works fine though. i don't see it as a tense shift at all. thank you for the compliment though. its good to have more feedback finally and from someone of your stature.

jimmy g.

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: November 3, 2004 )

hearing it.
I'm with Claire in that my first criteria for judging lyrics is to be able to hear a tune for them in my head when I read them. But unlike Claire, I didn't really get that with this one. It's almost there, but I got caught out by shifts in the rhythm in a few places.
On the bright side, though, I couldn't see what Claire meant by a 'tense shift', either. :)

The words were... uh... interesting. :) 'Smooth' is an unusual word to use. It actually works pretty well, but there's a certain 'oddness' to it... I'm not really sure how to explain, except that it just struck me as being odd.

Anyway, thank you. 7/10. :)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: November 5, 2004 )

six of them viper?
viper, i noticed you went through and rated six of my songs with a 1...yet you gave no reason. why is that? what makes these so bad? just rating is not very constructive. what is your reasoning? please tell me this isn't a personal score that you feel you must settle because i did not like your writing "happier alone". i am dissapointed that it seems you are just trying to get even with me after all the criticism that i recieved for disliking your writing. please give me an explanation and show me that you aren't playing childish games. i have only ever been serious with you. yet i got unfairly compared to cheddyandnorris and criticised for being childish. i am not saying i'm surprised you don't like my writings...all six of the songs that you gave a 1...i just wish you would have told me what is wrong with them, as i have. constructive my friend. please.

jimmy g.

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: November 9, 2004 )

Jimmy
Sorry, Jimmy. I didn't have time to comment last night. Notice, though, that I didn't give all of your work a one -- just those six. I'll try to set aside some time tonight for comments.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: November 9, 2004 )

yeah viper
i did notice that you only rated 6 of them with a one...six in a row...hmmm, i'll look forward to your comments.

jimmy g.

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: November 9, 2004 )

so many ones!
viper... if you really disliked the first piece enough to give it a one... AND the second piece... why would you continue to read pieces by this author? and continue to give him ones? it seems a little mean...

( Posted by: supergranny [Member] On: November 10, 2004 )

Hope
It was hope, granny. Hope . . .

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: November 11, 2004 )

viper..
i think jimmyandhisrocket's stuff is awesome and has a lot of meaning behind each piece..giving people ones like that is ridiculous..maybe u should spend your time working on your stuff rather then putting other poeples' stuff down..and especially when u dont even back up why you rated them that..that's just stupid and doesn't help jimmy in any way..maybe he would actually read why you rated them that and try to fix things..that;s the main purpose, isnt it?

( Posted by: ForLackofaBetterName [Member] On: November 11, 2004 )

Hope
Hope springs eternal, Viper....luckily in Jimmy's case one can only hope that he will post more lyrics... I found this song, as well as his other works to be very good. All the ones were rather harsh, don't you think? I would like to hear...or read rather....your explanations as to why you rated them ones. Perhaps you really do have a reason, though certainly not a rational one.

( Posted by: frenchie [Member] On: November 11, 2004 )

re:hope...awww, dear sweet viper
how sweet, viper, it is so good to hear that you would actually "hope" that one of my writings would appeal to you. so, why is this not considered straight up rudeness? there was a big fuss when cheddyandnorris (perhaps unecessarily) opened up on you, viper. so why are you being the same way? ah, i suppose it doesnt matter. i just feel like your "hope" comment was a bit of a stab...maybe even direct a insult. hey, thats okay though. i can see how i deserved it....i'm still waiting on your constructive comments...you seem to have plenty of time for insulting comments my man.

jimmy g.

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: November 11, 2004 )

Rocket Jimmy
I wonder why Frenchie and Supergranny would jump to your defence, asserting that I've somehow missed the quality of your work without explaining why it is supposed to be good? After all, if you expect people to explain why they've given you a one, shouldn't you expect the same from those who give you a ten?

Maybe this is why. It's from Supergranny's website:

"there's this site, lit.org. where you can post writing and people can comment on it. i'm not sure if i've mentioned it before. but james, tyler, amy, and i joined, James posts the lyrics to songs he writes (jimmyandhisrocket) and i post poems and short shories and stuff (supergranny) and tyler posts crazy pretend songs that he makes up that make no sense (cheddyandnorris) and amy posts poems (frenchie). james, amy, and i are kinda getting addicted to it."

Look, Jimmy, sometimes I don't have much to say, regardless of what score I give. Sometimes I don't have the words, and sometimes I can't say anything constructive. I don't want to simply go off on people, so I don't say anything at all. I don't think everything you write is terrible, and that's why soem of your lyrics didn't get ones. I'll rate them later.

If you and your pals don't like getting ones without explanation, stop dishing them out. Got it?

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: November 11, 2004 )

geez man
this isn't a competition, viper. i gave reason for my rating of your one song. as for me and my friends personal life, whats it to you? we post these writings because thats what we like to do. we dont tell eachother what to write or rate. we just are all students at college together and all enjoy writing songs or poetry. i never intended to make an enemies with you viper. you are obviously a respected member of this site. if i can't dislike your song without getting crap for it, then this site shouldn't have a rating system. you cant just say "heres a scale of 1-10, just dont rate anything with less than a 7 or you'll never hear the end of it. you know what, i am sick of all this. dont bother giving me reason for why you dont like my work. you dont have any...youre just mad so thats okay. its done. sorry you took my rating so personally. i hope you dont do this to everyone in your life that criticizes you.

jimmy g.

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: November 11, 2004 )

one last stand
also, viper, no one needs to explain a 10...it shows no need for improvement. a 1 does.

jimmy g.

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: November 11, 2004 )

One more for Jimmy
This got out of hand, I suppose. I wasn't trying to insult you just because you gave me a 1 (Your pal Cheddy gave me, what, seven or eight?). You explained yourself there and, while I found your explanation silly, that's fine. No worries.

I seriously tried to comment on two of your pems today while I was at work, one good (one of the 1-scorers) and one good ("Drive"? "Drove"? Something like that). The first time my computer crashed, the second the site just closed for no apparent reason. I'll try again later.

I'm not out to make enemies, and I expect you aren't either. At the time I gave you the ones, I thought you and Cheddy were one of the same. Since Cheddy had given nearly all of my poems a one without explanation, I used my policy of "Do unto others as they have done unto you". Then I found out that you were just school chums.

I believe those ones were deserved, but had I known you weren't Cheddy, I would have tried to give at least a brief explanation for each of them.

So let's wipe the slate clean and start anew, shall we?

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: November 11, 2004 )

very well
its all good viper...do forgive my friend cheddyandnorris, and do forgive me for any insult. the only other thing that i do ask is that you start writing lyrics again. the lyrics section makes me sad. there are 6 million new poems every time new posts come up and like 2-3 lyrics. its sad. i love reading others works. i know that many people on this site like your writing so don't deprive them. peace

jimmy g.

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: November 11, 2004 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: