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Never in my whole life had I felt this numb, my whole body was just completely paralazed, like the way your mouth feels after a filling from the dentist. That kind of numb.
I tried to open my eyes, but it was impossible, as well as the numbness, my eyelids were heavy, like in a deep sleep, so I focused on trying to wake up. But I was already awake, so why was I numb?
A bleeping sound interrupted my thoughts, it was my clock-radio, but it sounded as if it was far away or covered with something like a pillow. I had set the alarm to switch itself off after four minutes.
As I waited for the numbness to fade and the alarm to go off, I attempted to remember what had happened to cause my body to go numb, all I could remember was going to sleep, that was all, but I started to remember other things, like when I lost my virginity, that had been over a year ago.
I had been drunk as usual, and I bumped into an old academy boyfriend and he invited me out for a drink, during the night we found out that we were very much in love with each other like before and we got closer together with a bottle of vodka and a shower afterwards, together that is. It got a little steamy after that and we got engaged eight months later, we were to marry in four months time, just in time for Christmas.
I tried to smile, but it was impossible, I was still numb. I began to feel light this time, like I was floating on the Dead Sea, I had gone there when I was fourteen with my parents, I had loved it there and whenever I thought of the place, I wamted to be fourteen again and floating on the Dead Sea without a care in the world. Something flashed in front of my eyes, but my eyes were closed.
I tried again to open them, but to no avail. Something else flashed in front of my eyes again and I forced them to open and saw the sun and the sky, a blue cloudless sky and I sat up in water and looked around and recognised everything.
I knew where I was and where I belonged. I was in my own heaven, I was at the Dead Sea and I was fourteen again. I knew why my body had been so numb and why I had started to feel light and I lay back onto the ocean and the bleeping stopped forever.

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The following comments are for "Personal Heaven"
by TrojanTony

to TrojanTony
Very good realistic writing style, I can almost feel it, kind of wished it was a part of a longer story though, will probably give it a more impact that way.

( Posted by: Furius [Member] On: April 30, 2002 )

response to "Personal Heaven"
Your writing style is too mangled and predictable. For example, the line, "I had been drunk as usual" sounds childish, and immature. Can't write anymore now. E-mail me if you want to read some of my stuff, and I'll give you some good points about your story.

( Posted by: MSCNIN7 [Member] On: April 30, 2002 )

What is childish about that line "I had been drunk as usual"????? I really don't get it. I really don't understand what 's childish about that. I find that remark very strange.

( Posted by: Stefanie [Member] On: April 30, 2002 )

re: Personal Heaven
I don't understand what was childish about that line either. I thought that the person in the story might have been an alcoholic. The remark does come from someone who has only posted hate literature so far, so go figure. As for the rest of this, I thought it was interesting that you had chosen to write from the opposite sex's point of view, something that can be rewarding or dangerous depending on how you takle it. I found the repetition of the phrase "floating on the Dead Sea" to come off as redundant. The story comes across as an interesting opener for something else, but as it stands I was left confused and not really understanding what was going on beyond the person not being happy with their life and wishing they were elsewhere, but the leap to actually being fourteen again and back at the Dead Sea might need some further fleshing out. It left me wanting to know more.

( Posted by: Zebralicious [Member] On: April 30, 2002 )

Better tall you what this is about
I better tell you what this is about then,the story is about dying. A Personal Heaven is whatI mentioned in a later story as this is one was made years ago. My idea about death is that when you die, you go to a personal heaven that is a moment in your life when you were felt pure and complete clearity in your life, like for me it was when I was sailing on Loch Ness when I was 15. So what this story is about, is someone dying and going to their personal heaven in life, for this person it was the Red Sea when she was 14. The ending is saying she died at the end, that's why the bleeping of her alarm stopped. There, easily told, the story isn't great, but it's something I guess.

( Posted by: TrojanTony [Member] On: April 30, 2002 )

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