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Dear family, from Alex

Only a few hours left till I die, just a few tiny hours. At the time of my writing this, it is four in the morning, UK time and I am filled with dread for the UK time of 11:10 in the morning, for that's the time I die. I know of it because I have known of it for a week now, I will be killed by two cars, one will smash me to the ground, another will run me over. I die within seconds. I don't want to die, I mean it, I really do not wish to die at all. My life hasn't been all that great, granted, but I'm in love now, I'm writing a lot, I have so much friends. I am going to fight though, I will live and I will live for the one I love. So I will make my words now in case I fail.

Mum, please don't think I killed myself, I didn't, I was killed by the weather and by accident. I have no desire to die at all and I mean it, I love life, it amazes me and it always surprises me. I may not have been the son you wanted, but I am my own person, or rather I was, anyway, I love you, you've helped me so much. You understand the pain I'm going through, you know I'm having a lot of problems feeling like I'm a part of the family. Thank you so much for being there for me, if you are reading this, then I want to say this, wipe me from existence. Delete all my work, destroy everything I own, make sure all my friends have copies of my work though, they like it. But please, just destroy all traces of my life, I don't want to be forgotten by fragile memories, I want to be wiped from existence. I love you mum, I love you so much.

Dad, I know you thought me a failure and a waste of space and that hurt me. You never gave me a chance to show me as I am, I'm a writer, a thinker. I love to learn, to be myself, I love finding out things about myself and life. I made my choice to be myself because of you, you were a father I had a hard time ever loving, you hurt me a lot, you hurt mum a lot when you were drunk. And I never wanted to turn out like that, you did change after you hurt mum that night though, but you still regarded me as a failure though and that hurt me so much. It's not your fault though, it's how you were brought up and I understand that. Goodbye dad, I love you.

Andrew, you hated me a lot, why? I know I was older and all that, but it gave you no excuse to hate me. You never got to know me as I truly am, I'm kind, caring, honest, gentle. I'm not a retard, I'm not useless, I'm special in my own way. I have a lot of skills, a lot of talents and you just treated me like I was nothing, please don't treat Paula and your kids like this, please. I like Paula, she's nice, please be kind to her, you hurt Clare a lot and she almost died from stress because of you. Please be careful in how you treat people, kindness in full is fully repaid. Goodbye, live life, be kind.

Jill, you used to be so nice, so funny and caring, now though, you're nasty, spiteful, vindictive, why? What did I do to you to make you put a vendetta on me? Don't you know that if you mistreat people, they'll lash out? You have to stop being so selfish, so nasty and you have to start seeing that the world isn't a TV land, but a hard living, hard working, beautiful, sharing place. You hurt me every day and I hate it, why did you do it? Didn't you know I was doing everything I could to help you, only in my own way? I gave you so much and you gave me abuse, please grow up, please be kinder to people. To be a friend is to give friendship, to be a fool is to be nasty. Please think about it and you'll see that you're not important at all, in fact, you're just beginning your life and you have a lot more to learn. Live for yourself and others, not for music and TV. Goodbye.

Okay, funeral arrangements, it would be nice if you could do this for me. I want to be cremated, have I spelt that right? I want my ashes then scattered over the Scottish Highlands near the one place I was truly at home, a beautiful glen that made me feel wonderful. I would like these tracks played at my funeral as well.

Ahead on our way from Final Fantasy 5

Pure Again from Breath of Fire 3

I hope that's enough for you, it's not much. I have them all on CD, shouldn’t be too hard to find them. Well I can't think of anything more to say, but I best give you my passwords and usernames first.


That's my main ones, it's pretty much the same in almost all my accounts. Just try hard to wipe me from existence. Well as I am feeling tired and I know I'll be dead soon, then I'll see goodnight and goodbye. Oh, almost forgot, I am in love, with a wonderful person called Donna Nanami Jarest . She may be younger than me, 15, but we are heavily in love, if she is still alive, then please let her know I love her and that I did something special for her so that she could live, she'll understand. Goodbye everyone, don't cry for me, I'm already dead.

Love, Alex Paul Cawsd

Born 1981
Died 2002

'A life in many, one of many inside his dreams. A secret inside him, a past only he understands. Older than he looks, young mortal body, immortal soul.'


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The following comments are for "Final goodbyes, Alex's last words"
by TrojanTony

re: Final Goodbyes
Interesting, intruiging. This left me wanting to know more about the situation surrounding this letter.

The character has put down his last requests and thoughts on paper, which often most people don't have the time to do before they go to the great beyond.

I would move the paragraph to his mother further down the page, as I found it had some very eye opening revelations about the character Alex and drove me wanting to know more.

"But please, just destroy all traces of my life, I don't want to be forgotten by fragile memories, I want to be wiped from existence."

Even though eventually all of us will be wiped from existence (in a million years, will the universe care about us? Probably not), the need for that to be immediate poses more questions of why?

I want to know more about how the character knew he was going to die and how he was helpless to prevent it and how he couldn't let anyone know, but could only write a letter. I think the greater story answering these questions would be quite interesting.

As a stand alone work, it's very interesting, but not complete and leaves more questions than answers. You may have something here worth expanding on.

( Posted by: Zebralicious [Member] On: April 28, 2002 )

Re: Final Goodbyes
Yah, great, but I was left with questions as well. However, I wouldn't want to see this expanded. It's the right length, and I don't think Alex would need to re-explain said situation to people that know his well. A letter should be just that - a letter.

Perhaps a second chapter / addition would contain some of Alex's previous writings - start to explain the situation in that manner - rather than a literal story, per se.

I urge you to continue, for I'd like to see what caused this all to happen in the first place.

( Posted by: ak7raplt [Member] On: April 28, 2002 )

I think I best explain this item
I guess I best explain this item. This item is real because it was my goodbye letter to my family, only I edited it after I avoided my death and turned it into what you see above. I guess I'm just not very good at saying goodbye, never have been. Oh, for any of you who are interested, World of our Making-part 1 is finished and posted not here but in it's home, take a look if you want, part 2 is currently under way. Gwaon-qwnd-Talopm for bye bye, still inventing my own language for that novel.

( Posted by: TrojanTony [Member] On: June 16, 2002 )

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