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she sometimes wonders
would it be so bad
to jump off that pier
into the dark water
that almost looks
like polished black marble

she sometimes dreams
about dancing by moonlight
in the black marble ballroom
spinning and gliding
calmly and sadly
with the stars as her audience


Note: i'm not sure i like the title... what do you think?

------
"I like to think that the whole world is my friend"


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The following comments are for "black marble"
by supergranny

I've only read this
and one other poem by you. I liked them both, but wonder, do you write mostly "dark" poetry?

The title is fine, though it gives you no glimpse into the poem itself. That's okay with me, though. I don't have a problem with enigmatic titles.

( Posted by: Cyn [Member] On: October 29, 2004 )

"dark" poetry?
I don't know if that's all i write... i just kinda write... you know? I never have an intention on how the finished product is going to be... I guess i'll keep the title.. Thanks for the comment :)

( Posted by: supergranny [Member] On: October 29, 2004 )

black marble
Lovely write. I saw myself, and I'm not dark, just overwhelmed sometimes. I found this dreamy. thanks. oh btw I like the title. At first glance, unsure what black marble might refer to, and then evoking vivid images-
Elizabeth

( Posted by: emaks [Member] On: October 29, 2004 )


The problem with the first stanza is that it is too obvious. The connection you draw between the water and black marble is weak. Why does it "almost look like" black marble? Why can't it just be black marble? Is there any point in weak parallels? This is, essentially, why I think the first stanza should go.

spinning and gliding
calmly and sadly

The language is weak. How calm is "calmly"? Your poem doesn't show me. I think -ing- words are weaker than the words they modify. Minor nit, I guess.

It is not clear that she is under water in the second stanza; not that it should be, because the first stanza sets things up. So I would begin with stanza two and use it as a template because there's some really nice language happening there, and then elaborate in a following stanza. The title contains nothing that the poem doesn't, so it is bad. Titles are an opportunity to cast things in a different light, but they should also be relevant in some way. Maybe S1 should be your title, in a condensed fashion.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: October 29, 2004 )

once again...nice work
very good poem, as always from you. i dont agree that the water should just "be" black marble. i've seen the water when it looks as you've described it and "almost" is a perfect word for it for there is something missing...the element that would make it black marble. this, unfortunately may mean that the title should change but sadly, i don't have any suggestions. anyway, nice work supergranny.

p.s are you really a grandma?

jimmy g

( Posted by: JimmyAndHisRocket [Member] On: October 29, 2004 )

not a granny
No Jimmy, I'm not a Grandmother... it's a long story how i got the nickname... but i'm definitely too young to have a baby with a baby. :) thanks everyone for the comments!

( Posted by: supergranny [Member] On: October 29, 2004 )

Creative Play
we play before an audience of stars...
in a theatre of creation...

( Posted by: awhippingflame [Member] On: August 6, 2016 )





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