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That pain in my shoulder is back again. It started about two weeks ago. Assuming I started with the given amount of respect usually reserved for strangers, you will lose all respect for me if I tell you how the pain started. Ready to snicker in disgust? While in the standing position, I leaned over so that my eyes were looking at my knees and then whipped my upper body up, flinging my hair back. If my reading of the diagrams I found on the Internet is correct, my trapezius muscle is the culprit that immediately revolted and attempted to leap from my shoulder/neck/back area in disgust at this entirely girly and annoying maneuver. I guess I consider it annoying because my first college rooommate used to do that all the time and I couldn't stand her.

My shoulder has started hurting when I'm tense. So is it really a psychosymatic disorder? I don't know. I don't even know if I spelled "psychosymatic" right.

So what's a "calling"? Anyone know? Any guesses? Are we each "called" to service by God in different areas of work and play? Do we each have a special ability that is used or should be used by God in some form of Good Work? I think so. Is there just a single calling for each of us? One shot at your "job" as designated by God?

God uses each of us to accomplish his plan. I get that.

We may listen to Him and follow his plan for our life or we may ignore him, but either way he will use us for his ultimate plan. I get that.

For example, when I was 16 I worked at an optometrist's office. One day, a patient comes in to pick up her contacts and she starts crying. Her mother's boyfriend had been murdered and they had just found out. She was so upset. I put my work aside, sat down with her, and talked for an hour with her. I realized that I cared more about this stranger's feelings than I did about the dirty looks my co-workers were giving me as the work piled up. So maybe God took a horrible result of the misuse of free will and used it to show me something about myself. It was an important moment for me. And that's stuck with me all these years. I get that God uses everything to further his plan.

What I don't get is why everyone always acts like you are crazy if your "calling" doesn't include some kind of money making opportunity. Or they act like you are crazy not to follow THEIR path. I'm pretty transparent, huh? Is it totally obvious that I'm thinking of a specific incident? I thought so. Here it is...

My mom and dad are the reason I majored in Marketing instead of something I liked. My mom and dad are the reason I signed on with my current company. Ultimately, those were my choices and I take responsibility (mostly) for those decisions, whatever the reasons. I am a classic example of that old adage, "If you don't stand for something, then you'll fall for anything." I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I just went where others (mom and dad, grandma, etc.) wanted me to go. I didn't trust myself. I didn't believe in God or I did but I didn't believe I was deserving of His love.

As info, I work at the same company as my mother and father. It's a big company that will go unnamed, but will be referred to as "the Company".

This weekend I told my mom that I was writing again and I wanted to go back to school and major in English Lit. Eventually I want to teach at a college level. She said (and I quote), "I know a lot of people that left teaching and came to the Company because of the long hours and the lack of pay." She wasn't even listening. I said "COLLEGE" level and she was talking "High School". She just immediately rejects any attempts to choose something other than her path. It's like if we choose something other than what she chose to do, then we are insulting her own choices. She's so powerful. Just like Grandma.

My husband recently called my parents and my mom made an ugly comment that made him feel about one inch tall. He put down the phone after they hung up and said that he finally "got it". I said, "Huh?" He said that he always thought I was just overreacting when I would get all upset after talking to my mom. He thought I was silly for refusing to call my family as often as he calls his. He finally gets it that she can knock the wind out of your sails faster than any hurricane. She can give you a look or a snicker that can make you feel so stupid. She has the power. And she isn't afraid to use it.

I am so afraid of making a mistake. I am so afraid of leaving the Company and having that be a huge mistake. What if I can't cut it as a professor? Or what if I can't even get through the classes to make it to Professorship? What if...? What if...?

I feel underqualified. I feel lost, which is too familiar, and I feel tired of it all. I would quit my job right now if I could. I would leave and never come back. (My husband is in school, so quitting isn't an option until he graduates in May and gets a job.)

So what's my calling? To be an example to others? To work really hard at being a whiny loser? To work at the Company forever? Oh, God, help me!


The following comments are for "Again"
by Shel

We all have our destined paths. A native elder once told me and taught me, that sometimes we subconciously make choices to give up what we want for what others need. In our needs of loved ones rests also the needs of others.
Perhaps your calling was to take the path you are on now, to support your husband. Then when he is working follow your dreams. It is NEVER too late.

I believe family love should be one of support and to guide us, NOT to push or pull us where they want. When their wants become their needs, it is not in OUR interest. NEVER let anyone conquer your heart, other than to love it back unconditionally and supportive.

There will come a time when you will KNOW you have to cut that ambilical cord and grow up into the woman to share a life with your new family, husband and maybe children.

It is that NOW KNOWING, when and how. Never let doubts trample on your spirit as well. Love and nuture yourself sweetie.

I am 47 now. Took me forever to learn the values of my own self-worth. I let people pull and push me all my life and I got lost. I am still finding new strengths each and every day. BUT I never lose hope.

Do not pain over your past. Use it to your advantage. Keep the wisdom there.

For your physical pain, I hope you have found a remedy. Long hot baths help with epson salts and a good back rub...for things that aren't too damaged....other than that, rest and nuture yourself.

Take care of YOU> I sure liked reading your blog Shel and wish you all the best. THIS too shall pass.

My best regards,

( Posted by: dareva [Member] On: October 18, 2004 )

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