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The screaming banshee’s wail woke him at 6:00 AM. That’s what Francis Levine calls the alarm clock. As he flails his arms to shut it off, he reflects on how accurate that description is.
“Turn it off, I’m trying to sleep!” Karen, his wife (the screaming banshee’s twin sister) yelled.
He saw out the window that it was raining. It was a Monday. It couldn’t get much worse, yet Francis imagined that somehow, it would.
After eating a healthy breakfast of Fruity Pebbles with whole milk and drinking three cups of coffee, he was out the door. The rain was like cold droplets of ice, drenching his suit, making him wish he’d remembered to where his raincoat. His ’97 Ford Escort was parked a few feet away; there was no need to go back to get the coat.
The overhead lights turned on and the car made its dinging sounds when he opened the door and climbed in. As the engine was sputtering to life, Francis noticed that the fuel gauge was hovering flirtatiously around the large E. He stared at it for several moments, blinded by anger and frustration. After slamming the steering wheel with the palm of his hand, he thought about how he would explain to Karen that when the car needs gas before he goes to work on a rainy Monday morning, she needs to either tell him, or DO IT HERSELF!
Fortunately, the gas station was only a mile away. It was named Gas ‘N’ Go. The large sign pictured a cup of steaming coffee, which the cartoon man was sipping with one hand while pumping gas with the other.
The first pump was available. It cost over two dollars a gallon for the cheapest type. While pumping the gas, Francis couldn’t help but wonder if it would be worth the risk to drive away without paying. Then, lying underneath the pump, he saw a dollar bill and scooped it up greedily. It was covered in oil and filth, but it was a dollar none the less.
The gas was done pumping, so he went in to pay. The old man in front of him was trying to decide which scratch tickets to buy, so Francis used the time to write out the check and look at his watch several times, worrying that he wouldn’t make it to work on time.
Finally, the man decided to buy seventeen, one-dollar tickets and left the line. The bone-thin woman with the short hair and the pointy nose asked if she could help him.
“Twenty-three dollars for gas.” He handed her the check when he remembered the dirty dollar bill in his pocket.
“Can I buy a scratch ticket?”
She stared at him, waiting.
“Uh, the one that has the poker cards and says you can win two million dollars.”
She turned and retrieved the ticket and handed it to him without a smile. He gave her the dollar, causing her hands to become covered in oil.
In the car he scratched the ticket. When he saw that he had won two hundred thousand dollars, he jumped out of the car and started yelling, “I’m singing in the rain, I’m singing in the rain!” accompanied by a dance.
At the insurance office, he immediately went to the photocopy room and copied his naked butt. He then turned the paper sideways, drew two eyes on the top cheek, so that his crack formed a smiley face, and wrote Have A Nice Day. Then,
fulfilling one of his favorite fantasies, he gave it to his boss.
Note: this story has been reject numerous times by humor magazines.
I'm glad to have this chance for people to read (and hopefully laugh at) this! Thanks, Lit.Org!
Thanks for reading :^ )