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The Tea Pavilion of the Sweet Murmur…
Succulent condensed breathing,
devoid of a particular flavor.
People touch gracefully,
diffused in the Essence.

The Torment Pavilion of the Contained Passion…
Wherever an effort is a sign,
inciting the Concluding Act in its genesis,
every one is a stranger,
and secretly remains so.

The Slumber Pavilion of the Suspension among Existences…
Existence before the closing of the Eyes.
The closing of the Eyes.
Existence after the opening of the Eyes.
Death disguised as life,
was never this sweet.

The Imaginary Pavilion of the Undistinguished…
Sadness is Quietness.
Bliss is Hope.
That the Subtle will last.

Another Day On Earth

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The following comments are for "Subtle"
by therethere

i am new here and just wanted to greet everybody, and say that this is a fantastic place for some good poetry readings.

( Posted by: therethere [Member] On: October 9, 2004 )


I enjoyed your poem. I'm not sure I understand it entirely - it make take me a few reads to get all that's there - but still, I like the language, and I like the idea behind it (as I understand it now, anyway).

My inability to understand it fully is less a function of your poem "not working" and more a function of my not understanding. I'm sure about it. I'm a new member too, and joined the group because I want to grow in what I write, what I READ, and how I live. This type of poem is a litte different for me - so a little history/explanation would be great.

I look forward to reading your reply...


( Posted by: rajengineer [Member] On: October 9, 2004 )

Brave Imagery
I crave image ideas("Succulent condensed breathing,devoid of a particular flavor.
People touch gracefully,") and impressions. I am suffering from image block. Your writing refreshes my imagination.

If I was more objective, I would say that a tighter structure is needed for transmitting the ideas to other readers. I think Penelope's advice on reshuffling verses is very much on target, but don't sacrifice the thrust of each line.


( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: October 10, 2004 )

thanks robert, penelope and teflon for your comments and suggestions.

this poem is about sensations and states of mind and subjective experience. the first two verses describe a dreamlike situation, the third verse the awakening and the last verse is about confusion and doubts and reflection on trying to give reality a meaning.

Kind Regards

( Posted by: therethere [Member] On: October 10, 2004 )

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