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Or, Giving ‘Road Kill’ A Good Name . . .

I once owned a ‘ferret’ and was convinced that there was nothing on earth that could be more useless. That was until I ran into my first ‘peeve’! At least the ferret went to sleep and was, in that state, sort of cute. I could get in my car and leave the ferret at home. I could give my ferret away (don’t bother trying to sell one). You very seldom saw a ferret out and about. But, a peeve, they never sleep. No matter where you go, somebody has their peeve with them, always. You cannot even pay somebody to take a peeve. A ferret gets into your brain, however, you can go to sleep and dream about something else. A peeve gets under your skin and there is no ointment known to man that will get rid of it. As usual, man refuses to ask woman about this as they just might have a solution . . . but I digress.

It doesn’t matter what kind of peeve they have either. They can have the verb kind of peeve that is described as being “annoying” or “resentful”, and that is their good side. They can have the noun type of peeve whose best features are noted as being; “A vexation; a grievance.” Knowing this, why in Sam’s hell do so many people have one, some even have several? And, just how do you pet one?

Now, given the most liberal description of a peeve makes you want to smack your own forehead in bewilderment, one would think there would be a few laws at least attempting to control them. One would think that anyone with a peeve would be required to leave it at home or at the very least keep it on a leash. But, nooooo . . . no such laws exist and the damn things just run amok. And, if an amok is not enough all by itself, a peeve running amok has to be the most irritating of irritants. Well, maybe second to that sentence, but you get the point.

So, just how do you know when someone has their peeve with them? I’m sure that everyone has their own idea, but I can give you a real good idea of some of them; first merely having one in the car can cause the driver to sit idly, blocking a long line of traffic, while they wait for someone to pull out of a parking space . . . one spot from a completely open space! It seems that anyone with a peeve simply refuses to walk an extra four steps for their physical health or the mental health of the twenty drivers waiting to get on with their lives.

Another sure sign that someone has brought their peeve with them is their refusal to replace their shopping cart where they got it in the first place or even leave it in a blatantly marked ‘corral’ for such use. Apparently in order to keep their peeve from going completely berserk, they are required to park the offending cart directly behind your parked car or squarely in the middle of the adjacent open space. The fact that you may go completely berserk not withstanding.

Other signs that someone is driving with their peeve, unrestrained, is the fact that they cannot remotely find their turn signal or bother to notice that a traffic light had turned ‘red’ 200 feet before they got to the intersection. Having a peeve in the car also requires the driver to wear ear plugs so they only notice the windows shaking, but are oblivious to the bombastic level of the nauseating bass solo accompanying gagging rap references to someone’s Mother. Of course you might not notice the ear muffs at all if the windows are not down because the embarrassment of having their peeve with them makes them tent their windows darker than a moon eclipse.

This leaves us with the question of how to pet a peeve? Resisting the sudden urge to ‘key’ the offending morons’ car or liposuck their tires, the very best way to stroke the offending peeve pervert is to wave passionately at them (here I will note that this should be done with the entire hand and not just one part of it), get their attention and then mouth “Thank You” and continue driving. While this may have absolutely no affect on them or their peeve, it will go a long way in helping you remember who the rational human being is and that no peeve is worth losing ones sanity over.

Of course, if that doesn’t work, dead peeve is at the very top of the road kill delicacy list. Yum, yum . . .

T. Michael Barclay


The following comments are for "HOW TO PET YOUR PEEVE –"
by TMBarclay

Dave Barry fan?

Funny stuff. You like Dave Barry?

( Posted by: whitewolfe [Member] On: October 8, 2004 )

Yep. This was good fun to read. Good choice of subject matter, and a very clever twist on the idea; you managed to make it quite unique.

There were a few places where I thought the writing could be tightened up a little - some of the sentences were a bit long, and things like that (and why did you write the whole thing in bold?) - but none of it really gets in the way of the writing. Good stuff all round.

Oh, and I agree with Jess - that was a fantastic title. The perfect hook to get people reading.

Thank you :-) 8/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: October 9, 2004 )

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