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Racing against the sands of time
As pebbles strewn within a glass

Futile in their penetration
Yet making scratches nonetheless

Fatally I dose with thee
All eyes are off the road

Lazily we fail to see
Our beating wings send seeds to sow

Can you hear
Hear the ringing
Deep inside our souls

Thatís the pocket watch
Itís singing

Time to change
Itís time to grow


The following comments are for "Time to Grow"
by Revelation

very nice rhythm
i liked this very much.....:-)

( Posted by: CJHerlihy [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

Keen eye
Good eye for the other "doze" as it is intended. It is a double dose really.

( Posted by: Revelation [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

Well now
That's not quite an accurate statement, I think, Jessica. Opponent? Bah. Friendly competitor perhaps.

But this poem really is quite good. A bit short, which isn't quite my cup of tea, but the end really packs a punch.

Nicely done.

( Posted by: xitwound117 [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

Short, but well done. I read this several times, finding a bit more each time. You did a superb job,,,,,and I like the "It's singing"...

My best to you Jen,


( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

Pocketwatches should remind me of my favorite movie (which I mentioned in my comment to Xitwound's entry), and your friendly competitor has made me. This is a good piece for a write-off and I really liked its positive tone. I am giving Thomas my nod, because his just captured my heart. Well done, Jennifer :)

( Posted by: PETERPAULINO [Member] On: October 5, 2004 )

Succinct and articulate
Short and sweet. The uncluttered form guides, stimulates, brings to the singing.

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: October 6, 2004 )

Time to Grow
I liked this alot...the conception here is great!
A very clear and effective utterance...Thanks for a great read....

Blessings to you and your opponent...


( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: October 6, 2004 )

time to change, time to grow
Loved the last two lines.

( Posted by: Leeconnors [Member] On: October 7, 2004 )

A little confused.
Here I am right at the end of the write off, adding my twopence to the debate. Sorry I'm late joining in. :-)

Both poems in this contest had their own strengths and weaknesses, and I've had to read them several times over the week before commenting.

To start with the strengths: This piece has far more poetic flair than your opponent's - the rhythm zings off the page. It flows really well; I can't fault that at all.

However, I have to say that even after reading it several times, it took me a long time to start to understand the meaning of what you're trying to say in your poem. I think I've got it, but it was a hard one to catch, and I'm going to have to mark you down for that.

But after all that, I'm still giving you the extra point over xitwound's piece, but it was a closely run contest in the end.

Well done to both. :-)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: October 9, 2004 )

Time to Grow
You had some nice images and phrases, and a pretty decent construction (in the sense that it was well used). I wasn't horribly impressed with the pocket watch image. It seemed like you played with the rhythm of the -ing endings and word repetition, and the rhythm of the phrase pocket watch sort of broke that up. Also, the word 'thee' threw me off, not because it was badly done or ineloquent, but just because it doesn't seem the jive with the second half of your poem, starting at 'Can you hear...'"Fatally I dose with thee" is such a well rounded little phrase, and it does well with the next couplet, but the theme you seemed to have going in those four lines is disrupted by the next three.

A good poem, and a worthy competitor in the Write Off, nonetheless. Well done all around, I would give it a 7 out of ten (I have a tendency to score low, so don't be offended).


( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: October 14, 2004 )

I liked it...
a lot. I thought the theme was a bit blurry but the words were stunning. I loved the velvety warm tecture of it. Fabulous. write more and I will come.

( Posted by: snuffystuff [Member] On: October 18, 2004 )

Let's see . . . doesn't rhyme, call this a poem? Don't give me toilet water and tell me it's Aquafina.

( Posted by: TitusTolshemTT [Member] On: October 20, 2004 )

who you callin' toilet water?
First of all, it does rhyme. Second of all, who cares if it does or doesn't. You should not define poetry as words that rhyme. That is not poetry.

( Posted by: Revelation [Member] On: October 21, 2004 )

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