Keeping Watch
by xitwound117 (Member) - published: October 4, 2004
Word Count: 221 Word Bytes: 1531 Viewed: 1336 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by xitwound117

8.42

(21 votes)

Rating	Rated by

8	Andydrew

8	aspire

9	Bartleby

9	Clairesbest

9	Dareva

7	eleutheromaniac

10	JEANNIE45

9	Jessicanm

10	Leeconnors

6	MacLaren

7	Penelope

10	PETERPAULINO

10	Pogirl

8	rcallaci

7	Searching4Ever

9	Siah

7	Spudley

8	Teflon

9	Untitled

10	windchime

7	wrtrcat

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Just another day in this
Empty life of his
Just one more eventless day in this
Cruel existance of his

She lies on the bed
Never quite alive
And never quite dead
Trapped in her endless night

Oh he wants her to wake
She can't sleep forever
Oh but she has yet to awake
She's got to come back to him

He looks at the pocket watch
He's hung over her head
A simple golden pocket watch
Ticking her life away

Hanging from its silver chain
Laughing, laughing at him
The little tick-tock harasses his brain
"Tick-tock, you'll never have her"

A menacing prophet of doom
Is this little pocket watch
The only noise in the room
Is the maddening laugh of this time-keeper

"Tick-tock, tick-tock, she'll never wake
You'll never have her!"
Oh but he wants her to wake
She can't sleep forever!

He crosses off another day
Off the calendar on the wall
Another day has slipped away
Another day she hasn't come back to him

Getting up and closing the door
He finally begins to break down
Crying as he falls to the floor
He's kept a straight face for years

He'll be fine tomorrow
He'll do things like he always has
She won't be with him tomorrow
But he will never give up

She can't sleep forever.

------
Stay metal!
-xit

Comments

The following comments are for "Keeping Watch"
by xitwound117

tick tock
While reading this, I was reminded of a metronome. In poetry, rhythm and flow are crucial. Adding the tick tocks was a good idea in my opinion. What was less appealing was the repeating words at the end of the lines. 'this' - 'his' - 'watch' - 'wake' While your intention might have been to bolster the sense of watching the clock, it didn't work that way for me. It's not a simple task to come up with a poem within a time limit when you are given a topic to write on and I congratulate you for giving this a try. I preferred the other poem over this one.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

Tick Tock
This was really really good. I liked how you captured the beat of a ticking clock. Very well done. In my opinion you captured more of what the poem was supposed to be about, the watch and I give the nod in your direction. Good work.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

Good stuff
I am happy to go poem to poem with you. I really appreciate your work.

The best part of a comparison between us, is how vastly different our styles are. All the best.

( Posted by: Revelation [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

Wow Thomas,
I really like this. Very well done, constructed well, love the flow........
Like a heartbeat.....the ticking watch. You did a very nice job, wonderful story.

My Best to you,
Dar

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

Why thank you
Thank all four of you for your comments! Greatly appreciated!

Revelation -
Yes, indeed, our poems are vastly different, and delightfully so. I love the contrast between them!

( Posted by: xitwound117 [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

keeping watch
This is the better of the two poems. The contrast between the watch flinging its taunting timekeeping in the face of coma is sustained throughout. In this "eventless day", this poem is an event.

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: October 4, 2004 )

write off/xitwound
Thomas, this is a beautifully crafted poem, as is your friendly competitor's. I am going with yours because I think you held to the write off subject better...and you did a beautiful job. You painted quite a picture!

Claire

( Posted by: Clairesbest [Member] On: October 5, 2004 )

Pocketwatch
I am choosing your piece between the two. Not only because I enjoyed its length but also how your poem made me remember Christopher Reeve's and Jane Seymour's 'Somewhere In Time' flick. Oh, how I loved that sad movie, and here, you wrote something as lonely and as beautiful. Well done.

( Posted by: PETERPAULINO [Member] On: October 5, 2004 )

Keeping Watch
Xitwound117;
You have devise this in an excellent way! I liked it enormously...thanks for a great read....

Blessings,
{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: October 6, 2004 )

tick tock to eternity
I can still hear the tick tock ticking click clock clicking in my head. A powerful little piece you got here, I felt the characters pain.
Good job.

Warm regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: October 7, 2004 )

frustration
I could feel the characters frustration.

very emotional.

I gave it a ten.

Hope you win.

( Posted by: Leeconnors [Member] On: October 7, 2004 )

Thank you!!
Wow, thanks for all the comments!

I just thrilled to have to many people read my poem!

( Posted by: xitwound117 [Member] On: October 7, 2004 )

sonofa...
I'm, not I. Man, now I sound illiterate.

( Posted by: xitwound117 [Member] On: October 7, 2004 )

Arriving late
I'm sorry it's taken me a while to get round to commenting on this write off. I've read both poems several times through the week, but I'm afraid I struggled with both, so I've held off responding until now.

The two poems make quite a contrast. In this one I liked the message you were trying to convey, but it didn't feel as strong poetically, whereas Revelation's piece had much stronger rhythm and word power, but somehow the meaning was less clear.

I'm afraid I agree most with what Pen said in the very first comment - the line endings are what let you down the most. I'll echo the ones she mentioned, but I think you could improve the flow of the piece all through by tweaking the ends of the lines.

The underlying story of the piece was great, though - the frustration of enforced patience. Good stuff. You got your message across very well.

However, I must attempt to score them for the write off. They are very closely matched, but after much thought, I'm going to give Revelation the extra point. Good contest, though. Well done. :-)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: October 9, 2004 )

Nice!
I humbly bow to you X :)

( Posted by: Revelation [Member] On: October 10, 2004 )

Keeping Watch
I couldn't quite discover the rhythm in the piece, no matter how it might have been commended by others. I caught places where it seemed the same or to repeat a pattern, but it was never quite consistent. Perhaps I didn't look hard enough or perhaps you intended to have an inconsistent pattern.

Your imagery was good, but not particularly so. Mostly it was the outright description that gave the poem a setting and a lively feel. The rhyme was there, but since I couldn't find the rhythm, I didn't feel like it assisted your meaning, other than to catch the repetitive sounds of a ticking clock.

Though I found it was technically a difficult poem to like, it had a good story, and some good lines, and was definitely not a poorly done poem. You had a nice way of dealing with the subject. I would likely give this a seven of ten. Good job.

-Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: October 16, 2004 )

what do I put as the subject of my comment
heh....couldn't think. I have to say I liked the imagery your poem brought up. This might sound strange but stick with me. when I read it the words felt cold, seperated from the author. intentional? if so neato. if not... still neato. fantastic job hun. keep it up...I would really enjoy more fo your work.

( Posted by: snuffystuff [Member] On: October 18, 2004 )

Tick-tock
You see this? Well you don't, but let me tell you what I'm doing, I'm rubbing my index finger and my thumb together. You know what that is? It's the world's smallest violin, and it's playing for you! HA. I'm just joking. It's good, it rhymes. If a poem can't rhyme, then it's not a poem. A lack of rhyming would make it a collection of words where the author pooh-poohs their lame problems. They are just lazy, eh Pen? You would know.

( Posted by: TitusTolshemTT [Member] On: October 20, 2004 )

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