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Okay this is my first love story, so go ahead and feel free to tear it to shreds.


“Dear Diary,
Lust, a crude word don’t you think? At least according to what it means. The dictionary describes it as an intense desire for something, or to long after. I must confess to you diary, I have felt such emotions today. But for comfort purposes I will avoid the use of the word lust.

The other girls and I were walking home from lunch today when four young teens stepped out from an electrician’s van, brandishing knives. Of course they said the stereotypical statement of “Give us all your money.” We were shocked of course and Jennifer held out her purse for them to take, then it all happened.

One of the four teens (I think he was drunk) stepped forward and cut poor Jenny on the arm, they snatched her purse, which had fallen to the sidewalk and advanced on us. Suddenly out of no where a handsome young man stepped between us and our assailants, telling us to run. I was stunned with his selfless bravery and stood gaping like an idiot as my friends took off.

The boy on the left lunged at my savior and I let out a squeal of fear. But my hero spun with a grace I had never before seen, and instantly had the boy in some kind of martial arts hold. Obviously shocked by his skill the other boys dropped Jennifer’s purse and ran. Turning the man forced the boy to apologize, then with a slight kick to his rear he let him go, and the boy ran like a madman.

All this time I couldn’t stop looking at him, I must have appeared as a fool, gaping at him. He came up to me and asked if I was all right, and all I remember after that was trying to nod then get dizzy and I fainted.

Finally I woke up in my apartment surrounded by my friends; Jennifer was only scratched by the knife so she was all right. But I missed my hero and I wish I could have been awake as he carried me home. I don’t know if this is love, or lust. The girls and my family would be furious if I loved him, he is a stranger. But I always see him in my head. I guess….”

Kayleen put down her pen when she heard the knock on the door. Quickly throwing on her bathrobe before opening the door. She let out a small yelp when she saw him. He was holding her purse and cell phone and looked almost as surprised to see her, as she was to see him. Awkwardly he spoke.

“Uh, I found your purse and cell.” When she didn’t reply, he quietly cleared his throat, and she snapped from her stupor.

“Oh, uh, right…. Thanks” He handed her the belongings, and made to leave when she spoke.

“Would you, you know want to come in or something?” She could see him thinking about it.

“Sure.” He turned and entered her apartment. “I really like your apartment, are any of your friends here?”

“Thank you, and no they all went home this afternoon.” She watched him as he carefully moved to a family portrait on the wall, and she asked quietly.

“So, why did you do it?” He got awkward, she noted it.

“Do what?”

She smiled. “You know, save us.”

He turned to her a sheepish look on his face. “Well actually, the reason I even saw it was because I was watching you from my car across the street.” Her heart skipped a beat. “And, I couldn’t just stand by and let it happen.”

She smiled again, the tension easing. “Well it was really brave and sweet of you.” They looked at eachother and their eyes locked. They shared a moment that would last forever, they didn’t speak, they felt their love, and with a pulse of emotion they moved together as one, locked together in a kiss of eternity and passion.

As they cuddled on the couch, Kayleen contemplated their love story, her family will be furious, she smiled to herself as she tightened her embrace on his comforting body.

It will be their little secret.


------
Dreams that disturbe you when you sleep,
and haunt you when you are awake.
Make up a mirror of who and what you are,
spiritually.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Secret"
by chill

to chill
I am really going to tear this to shreds.

Check your grammar. I certainly hope you are not planning on ending it right there. This is not exactly a love story is it? All sudden and abrupt and illogical. Everything went fine until dear diary ended.

I seem to say this quite often now days but you need motives for characters to do anything. You cannot have random events! Unless a person is especially featherbrained and ridiculous, they do NOT go into intimate contact with a complete stranger! Oh yes, lust is a good reason, really? If you really want this to work, develope your characters more. Especially the guy's. So far, it seems like two stupid people meet and succumb to their hormones without rhyme or reason. This can turn into a good horror story for the girl.

"The girls and my family would be furious if I loved him, he is a stranger." that is just weird sentence. Explain the influence of "family" a bit more since it is being used so often.

( Posted by: Furius [Member] On: April 21, 2002 )

yeah.
Okay, yeah I know that it sounded really dumb. But I couoldn't think in a love story sort of way I write fantasy and some poetry and thats it so maybe I will stay away from attempted love stories from now on. Thanks for the comments.

( Posted by: chill [Member] On: April 21, 2002 )

of course its fixable
that's why I bothered to write that long comment.

( Posted by: Furius [Member] On: April 22, 2002 )

Nice story
I like this, it's good and could be increased, great work and keep it going. Also thanks for the review of my death story, good to know someone read it, thanks.

'Reina smiled a warm smile and the Entity moved closer, with a shake of her waists, two swords appear in her hands. "Alright big, bad and nasty, I'm bored, let's play. So come on, dance for me." And Reina charged the Entity with a smile on her face and a song in her immortal heart.'

( Posted by: TrojanTony [Member] On: April 23, 2002 )

Re: Secret
Hello, I read your story and felt it had promise in that it was an interesting way to present a story.

My biggest impression was that it never "sounded" like a diary entry to me. It lacked that personal tone that I believe most people use when they're "speaking" to themselves. That was my impression, anyway.

The transition from diary to narrative was extremely abrupt. I believe it would be better, and an easier read, if you provided some sort of transitional markers to more clearly indicate the switching point. I realize you are using quote marks around the diary entry, but I think something more would ease your readers into the next phase.

As for the love relationship itself, you flung Kayleen (as well as we readers) headlong into that emotion without any of the tummy-fluttering processes that most people would experience along the way. I wanted more inner conflict and exposition on the changes in emotion that Kayleen must have felt.

I think this should be expanded. It seems to me that you have a lot of good things to play with. Kayleen could see the man every now and then on the street or something and her love feelings could grow from those brief encounters. I don't know, I just wanted something a little more intense. I would also have liked to know the man's name.

Nice story!

Safiyah

( Posted by: Safiyah [Member] On: September 18, 2003 )





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