It Came From the Toilet
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(Okay, here it is. It ain't Shakespeare. It ain't even Milton Berle, but it's my attempt at a horror spoof. Please keep in mind that this is an older story and I have no idea what I was smoking.)
Allasandra has lived in her apartment peaceably for the 20 years since she moved to the United States from the Caribbean, but that all changed when the young couple moved in above her. The young white man walks like a cow, and the pounding of his hooves often upsets her antiques. His pencil thin companion with the red hair thinks she can sing, but her high pitched nasally voice grates on Allasandra’s last nerve. Between the screeches of their bickering and moaning of their love making, she hasn’t had a moment’s peace in six weeks, which has brought her to the brink of violence.
However, Allasandra does not need guns to extract revenge. She was skilled in the arts of black magic from the time she was a child, but as she stands in her bathroom, with the gray powder that will provide her vengeance, she momentarily hesitates.
“Allasandra, they’re just children,” she says to herself trying to regain control of her temper.
Then, she hears the heavy-footed thumping of the mule above her and her entire body tenses up.
She growls through her teeth and lifts the toilet seat. In a low voice, she begins to chant as she pours the gray dust into the john. When the ritual is complete, she slams the seat down and says to the ceiling above her, “Eat shit and die!”
“Honey, are you done with the Sports page?” Kevin asks while rubbing his aching belly. The breakfast of greasy eggs and bacon is responsible for his discomfort.
“Yeah, I think so,” Debbie responds as Kevin grabs it from the table.
“Where you going?” she asks while pulling her white robe closed to ward off the slight chill.
“To the can. My colon is percolating.”
Debbie wrinkles her nose while saying with a hint of disgust, “Niiiicccceeee.” She quickly returns to her coffee and crossword puzzle. Then, she decides to turn up the radio in a vain attempt to hide his symphony of bathroom noises.
Kevin sits on his porcelain throne with his colon now vented, but he is too engrossed by an article about the failing local football team to wipe. As he reads quotes from the overly optimistic coach, he hears a small gurgling sound beneath him. He listens for a moment before returning to the article. Then, he feels something brush against his buttocks. The sensation only lasts a second and it is gone. Kevin assumes its an ass hair automatically adjusting itself and ignores it.
Then, he feels an intense pain in his testicles as if they had been struck. The image of a boxer punching a speed bag enters his mind as he falls to the floor groaning.
“Goddamn it,” he grunts while massaging his aching sack. “What the fuck just happened?”
The answer comes from the toilet. A pair of small chocolate hands appear from within the bowl. They grab onto the seat and pull the rest of its body up.
Kevin is too shocked and disgusted to speak or scream. Standing on his toilet is a six-inch brown shit man. His head and body are bulbous like a small Buddha and it is freckled with yellow kernels of corn. The monster leaps at Kevin and he begins to scream. But the yell is quickly cut off as the terd beast lodges its body in Kevin’s mouth. Kevin’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head as he stares down at the short brown legs that are kicking beneath his nose.
Debbie was still involved with her puzzle when she heard Kevin’s bellow. She huffs loudly, and makes her way to the utility closet to grab an extra roll of toilet paper. Under her breath she says, “That man needs more fiber.”
Then, she opens the bathroom door and is utterly repulsed by what she sees. Kevin is lying on the floor with his pants still around his knees. In his mouth, seems to be a corn encrusted shit log and he is frantically scooping it from his lips. His is face is bright red when he leans over and regurgitates feces, eggs and bacon.
Debbie backs up with a hand over her mouth and screams, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t tell me you’re into eating your own poop.”
Kevin coughs out some brown sludge and tries to catch his breath. Then, he responds, “No, it came from the toilet.”
“I know damn right well where it came from. Why the fuck are you eating it?”
“I didn’t. It jumped into my mouth.”
But before Debbie could respond a splashing sound develops inside the toilet. She watches incredulously as a brown terd in the form of a snake slithers over the bowl. Kevin tries to stand while simultaneously pulling up his pants, but instead he collapses back to the floor. Frozen, he watches in horror as the fecal snake slithers toward him.
Debbie reacts and with her bare feet she stomps on the brown breast. The shit serpent instantly disintegrates, but the impact from her foot causes its body to splatter the bathroom in thick brown mud.
“Damn honey,” Kevin says while buttoning his pants. “You kick ass!”
Then, in an eruption of brown toilet water, a large coffee colored bat flutters into the air. With each flap of its wings, shit droplets sprinkle the bathroom as it swoops past Kevin and Debbie into the living room. Debbie commands, “Close that lid and sit on it. I don’t want anymore crap creatures getting out.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I’m taking care of that,” she answers while pointing to flapping fecal matter that’s floating around the room.
“You go girl!” Kevin says as he sits timidly on the toilet’s lid.
Debbie flails at the beast, but it skillfully avoids each blow. The thing swoops past her striking hand, down through her legs and comes up behind her. As she turns, the bat torpedoes at her face attempting to lodge its body into her mouth.
“Honey,” Kevin shouts. “Watch out!”
As the demon nears, Debbie slaps it and her hand is covered in chocolate goop. The impact sends the bat flying across the room and into the window. It splats like a large brown snowball and streaks the windowpane as it slides down.
“Honey, hurry up. There’s more trying to get out,” Kevin hollers frightfully from the bathroom. Something large is pushing up from beneath him and he is tossed about as if he were riding a bull.
“I’m coming stop your crying.” She says as she enters the bathroom carrying a long serrated knife. She opens the cabinet below the sink and removes a large white jug.
“What are you doing?” Kevin asks.
“One thing I learned in nursing,” she responds, “is that bleach kills anything.”
She plunges the knife into the container and cuts off the top to enlarge its spout. She pushes him from his seat and lifts up the lid. And for one brief moment, she regrets it.
Sticking out of the toilet is a large goat-like head with horns. Its’ brown mouth is open to reveal rows of chocolate colored teeth. Debbie regains her composure and pours the bleach on the creature. Immediately, it begins to smoke and melt until the toilet is overflowing with a chunky, brown sludge that oozes down the bowl’s sides and forms in dark puddles on the bathroom floor.
The conflict above seems to have calmed down and Allasandra assumes her problems are over. She is smiling with satisfaction when the doorbell rings. When she answers the door she is shocked by what appears to be a small ball of fire on her stoop.
Quickly, she begins stomping on it until she hears laughter from above. She had crushed a burning paper bag full of shit and her foot is now coated in the smelly substance. When she looks up, she sees Kevin and Debbie hanging out of their upstairs window and they seem to be enjoying the show.
Debbie says, “It’ll take more than a couple of crap creatures to get us to move, ya dumb black magic bitch.”
Kevin leans forward to kiss his companion, but Debbie pushes him away. With a twisted face she says, “Um…maybe you should brush your teeth first.”
If you have no questions or fears about your abilities, then you will learn nothing from your mistakes and know nothing about your limitations.