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Saturday morning
Dear Elliot...
I have a confession to make. Not so much a confession, as an explanation. After you stomped out of here yesterday I was numb. The kids went over to your mothers because I just had to think. (besides, I figured she owes me) I completely forgot that Nancy and Gordon were coming over to play cards. When they got here, I must have looked pretty bad....and made some half-assed excuse that you had an emergency at work. An emergency at your office which closes at 5? Sorry, but at the time, it was all I could think of.
I knew I hadn’t fooled anyone when I saw Nancy and Gordon exchange knowing looks. I couldn’t even work up the strength to pretend. I just fell back into the chair. I saw Nancy point toward their house, and Gordon nodded. The minute she slammed the back door...did you know that that door has the exact same sound regardless who is doing the slamming?...I heard you leaving all over again, and broke into tears.
Gordon sat down on the arm of the chair and pulled my head to his chest. The starchy feel of his shirt felt so good. It smelled like man laundry, which is somehow different from woman laundry. His shirt wasn’t the only thing starchy by the time I was done crying. He sat there for what must have been an hour soothing me, rocking me gently, talking softly telling me things would be fine.
When he tipped my face up and said “let’s see a smile,” he kissed my forehead, and before I knew what happened, my arms went around his neck and he leaned into my kiss. You have no idea how good strong, masculine lips felt to me after all these months. It was like watching a movie in slow motion; my clothes were off, and the fireplace had nothing on Gordon. To have someone admiring me again, to see actual lust in someone’s eyes, I admit at that moment, I didn’t care about any consequences. I was a starving child with a really big bowl of ice cream.
It was dark, and except for the light of the fire, I could almost pretend it was you. As he moved down my body kissing every inch, I just let go. Once we were both satisfied, I looked at him and said “that was unexpected.” He smiled as he dressed and said with a syrupy voice “just what the doctor ordered.”. How cheesy is that?
I had an epiphany at that moment. It had been so good because I didn’t give a rat’s ass what Gordon thought of my body, what I thought of my body....I didn’t care if he wanted to be inside me again. That is what has stopped me all these months from showing my love for you physically. I could never let go because I DID care what you thought. And I was afraid, and convinced myself that you found some twentysomething hottie more attractive. I also, almost instantly, realized as I came back to earth that there is a difference in fucking and making love. He isn’t you (forgive me Barbra Streisand and I would kill to still have the song). It is as simple as that. I don’t want him, I want you.
I recognize that I have probably fueled our already complicated fire, Elliot. I cry as I write this because I feel as though I have betrayed you even though you said you didn’t want to be here anymore. I don’t believe you. I believe our pride is what gave rise to that screaming match last night, and I believe it has been both our prides that have let us lose sight of what was important. I won’t grovel to you, because it isn’t my way. I will be honest with you, tell you that I still love you, and would rather repeat that scene with my husband and not with our neighbor. If we can’t do that, at least I’ve had the realization that at least half of this mess is my fault....
I started to say “and last night didn’t help matters”....but maybe it did. Maybe it opened my eyes. There is a ticket for you on the credenza if you want to use it.
Love,
Kate
Saturday Night, Diary Entry
Kate arrived in St. Kitts earlier today. I thought separate planes might help us think of what all we wanted to happen this weekend and give us time to just think without the other one being in the next seat. My plane landed at 8 o'clock tonight, I was exhausted. I had worked half a day, made arrangements for the kids to be with their grandmother, hopped on the plane and had to take a 30 minute cab ride out to our motel. When I opened the door Kate was no where to be found. I called her name and she never answered, my immediate thought was that she had changed her mind, and left me instead of spending this weekend together facing our issues.
Then I noticed the sliding balcony doors were open just a bit, so I knew I'd find her there. She was dressed in this white and taupe billowy sun dress. It was almost like the kind of thing she use to wear when we were first married. She was gorgeous, I spent a few minutes just watching her gaze out over the beach below. She looked happy for the first time in months. I couldn't help it, I walked up behind her and took her in my arms and suddenly felt as if I had come home. She sank back against me; and I could feel all the pain between the two of us start to dissolve.
I love this woman, and I remember thinking “I don't want to lose her for any reason“.
Slowly, almost like a dream, she turned in my arms, took my face in her hands, breathed my name and I came undone. We made love on the balcony, slow, tender, and exquisite. I don't think I've ever connected with Kate like that before. I hate to use the word but it was magical, and healing. Afterwards we lay together on the wide bed inside, on top of the covers, our hands touching everywhere at once, talking about how much we loved each other and wanted to stay together. I forget how many times we made love tonight, how many times she called my name and whispered she loved me against my neck, but it was enough to erase all the last few months between us. I feel renewed, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make my marriage with my beautiful Kate work.
I've been as much to blame in the problems in our marriage as Kate has, and it’s time I started taking responsibility. We've still got some kinks and details to work out, but we'll work them out and I'll be the man I was before; the man I was, the only thing she ever wanted. I'll love and adore her for as long as she lets me.
Rex Pappillon, St. Kitts
P.O. Box 341, Basseterre, St. Kitts, West Indies
Sunday,
Dear Kids. We arrived safely and Mom and I are going to try very hard to make things better, but no promises. Be good for Gram (yes, I know you are too old for a babysitter), and don’t give her any trouble. We will be home Wednesday but I have to go now....your mother is pulling me away from this to play games in the sand.
Love,
Mom and Dad
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