Simple Ramble
by mj20300 (Member) - published: April 16, 2002
Word Count: 135 Word Bytes: 795 Viewed: 1060 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by mj20300

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Simple Ramble

Of all the times I thought and wrote,
The days and hours of poetic scheme,
The seconds of depressing gleam.
I suffered like no other man,
No other beast on earth to come.
I made mistakes but none like this-
Which now I sit by fires burning,
Regreting, hateing, and avoiding.
Oh! Misery has never acted like this before!
But what's the point right now to cry?
Will life somehow unclench its paw?
Will she open up her heart to mine?
Alas I know why my tears are burning.
My petty words immortallize her-
Extend her life and grip on me.
Now I wake and see her over,
Why that is I fell in love with her.
Then I look and the process starts Again, never to be done, never to be over.

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Comments

The following comments are for "Simple Ramble"
by mj20300

mj20300
First, the criticism:
Watch your spelling. I think breaking it up into several stanzas will help to convey the mood better. Right now, it sounds too cluttered. Suitable pauses are something to be valued especially when you use words in such a way that they need to be felt first then digested. The last line seems too long.

There is too much a tone of finality in the first part, too many negations(i'm not sure that's the right word) e.g. the nos and never and none. Spread your poem out a bit, it needs to be whole. Otherwise it would seem like a ending in a weird place.

Then here is an advice: avoid using trite hyperboles like "I suffered like no other man,", There is nothing wrong with the line but according to some, "that's what they all say."

Now the Praise:
It is a good poem, quite wonderful in fact. It sounded quite heartfelt, and I feel quite sorry for the narrator. It flows well and everything matches! The words all belongs in the same poem, no odd surprices, and helps to complete a picture. The progression of each line, and emotion is well-paced, there I congratulate you.

( Posted by: Furius [Member] On: April 17, 2002 )

emotion
This poem is very emotion filled and i like that, the one thing that bothered me was the last line you broke up the others why not break up that one and i like furious idea of breaking up into stanzas. I think i might actually use that on one of my poems.
-P.B. Hedwig

( Posted by: P.B. Hedwig [Member] On: April 17, 2002 )

hmmm
Very interesting chief. Great title. Not as great a poem, but good all the same. Remember, we can't read your mind and make sure to read aloud before publishing. See ya in school.

( Posted by: praxidikai [Member] On: April 17, 2002 )

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