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Louis Tunnell
He ran his fingers through his thick black hair. I watched him. He seemed irritated again. He usually always did so I didn’t worry about it. We never really talked much. I didn’t know where he went or for how long he would be gone. I stayed home most of the time. Lounged in front of the fire or slept. From time to time I do go outside and take a stroll around the block or to the park. The park was an amazing place to be. Quite and serene. Divine place to cogitate on your thoughts. The greenery and the trees, the essence of the park seemed as though it were plucked freshly from God’s heaven. Today was different though. The man with the thick black hair was leaning over a table cluttered with papers. He seemed deep in thought. Troubled by the papers. It really was beginning to annoy me. He would sit there and jot down something. Get angry mumble some words of profanity crumble the paper up and huck it in the fire. He would do this from time to time. I sat on the floor watching him for a bit. He paid no attention to me. I thought to myself, “perhaps I will go to the park and see the lively hood down there.” So I got up and walked to the window. Hmmm, no good. It was raining outside. Quite a heavy rain too. I could see the dime sized rain drops falling from the sky. Erupting to tinier rain drops upon impact on the ground. There, however were people outside. A few children played in the rain. Jumping off curbs into the slowly flooding streets. The floods always happened. It wasn’t anything of great magnitude. Just tiny floods that filled the streets enough to keep the kids happy. To tell the truth though. I really dislike the water. It gets you all wet and soppy. Then you smell terrible for a bit, and when you dry, your hair sticks together and becomes tangled. It’s a pain to get out, so I stick to the doors when the wet season falls. I sat staring out at the window and watched the kids play. It started to become dark outside. I realized I was hungry. I went to the man’s table and was getting ready to inform him of supper time, but before I could get a word in he stood up and walked to the coat rack. With keys in hand and coat on back he left. Without a word, like he always did.

Damnit, another night of writers block. I’m tormented by these blank pieces of paper. Mocking me with their blank look. Aww, supper time. I need to get out and away from the mocking pieces of paper. Maybe I will burn them, yes that will show them I am serious about putting words on them. They’ll never expect it. I think I will meet Suzie down at the “Tour de’ Frank”.

“Suzie! Suzie!”
I heard his voice from across the room and knew right away it was Eric. He was a friend of mine. A writer. A good one at that. Had written a best seller a year or two back. He was a tall man with thick black hair. He wore snappy looking clothes. Suits and what not. Deep blue eyes. Eyes that were always thinking. I bet my bottom dollar that without those thinking eyes he wouldn’t be the writer he is today. He lived in an upscale neighborhood. Alone, well at least to my knowledge he lived alone. I had never seen anyone else in that big house of his.
“Eric, hi. How are you? Writing coming along at all?”
“No not really. Jus…” She cut me off because she knew what I was going to say
“Just more mocking pieces of paper!”
“Yeah, just more mocking pieces of paper. I’m glad I found you. I needed some human contact. That house gets lonely sometimes. If it’s not to late would you like to get something to drink with me? I mean if that’s…or if your already not doing anything. Are you here with somebody?”
There I go again. Stumbling over my words to talk to Suzie. I always do this. It’s truly a wonder she still talks to me. She looked good tonight, really good. She was wearing a white summer dress. With a pearl colored sash draped over her shoulders, her sun tanned shoulders. She was magnificent. A divine beauty. Long blonde hair, hazel eyes. Aspects that every woman wanted. Suzie knew it. She didn’t flaunt it though, which made her pristine. I true trophy to have and to showoff. I loved her, and she loved me. She was just to afraid to tell anyone or to show it. I knew though, I knew she loved me.
“So are you here with anyone?”
“No, I came down here for something to eat, what are you doing here?” Asked Suzie
“I told you, I needed to get out and do something. So you want to get a drink or something, maybe you would like to come over to my house where it is quieter if you… want?”
In all honesty I really felt odd about going to his house. I knew him, but he seemed different tonight. His hair was tufted out of place like he had been sleeping on it. He was lacking a tie, he looked horrible, not himself almost a different person but I knew him, so I inclined going to his abode for a drink. What could possibly happen? He will invite me in, hang my coat up. Get a couple of glasses pour some scotch, about half glass each. We would drink discus literature then I would go home.
“Sure, I’ll go to your home. I can’t be out late I work tomorrow, ok?”
“Sure, no problem.”

Chap. 2
The rain finally halted to a small drizzle. I figured it would be a perfect time to go out on the upper porch of the house and watch the night close in on the little world. So I climbed up the stairs and to the small living room where three of the walls were one of those all window type deals. As usual one of the windows had been left open. The carpet around the window was damp from where the rain had snuck in. I usually get yelled at for going through this window but the man was gone and he had left it open. I crawled through the window and onto the upper porch. It was a big fancy house. The upper porch practically wrapped around the whole house. Anyways I walked around the porch to where the mans bedroom was and peered in through the window. Nothing though, empty. He must still be out. I laid on a lawn chair that had been set out on the porch, for, well for laying on. I laid there and watch the night sky. Playing connect the dots with the individual stars, making pointless shapes. It kept me entertained though. I fell asleep.
I was waken up not to long after I fell asleep by car lights pulling into the front drive. The man, he must be home. No concern to me, I decided to lay in the chair and continue to watch the stars. I would say a good half hour past by, after the man had returned. I had heard noises inside, but naturally assumed it to be the television. It was loud thumping and then murmurs. The thick walls of the big house did well of keeping the noise out. A light flickered on behind me, I automatically knew it was from the mans room. I turned around and peered into the window. I was shocked at what I was now viewing. My hair stood on end, I was frozen from terror as I watched the horrid scene of violence blossom out. It was the man and he had kick in the door to his bedroom. He was dragging some lady by her hair. It looked as if she had been badly beaten, her dress was ripped and blood trickled from her ear and from her nose. The man dragged and threw her against a book shelf then on to his bed. She laid there crying out at him. Tears streaming down her face from terror. The man stood at the side of the bed talking in low tones to her. As if trying to soothe her pain and calm her very real nightmare. I edged closer to the window not knowing what to do. I stood there, all I could do was watch and listen.

“Right through this door Suzie, and let me take your coat. I will get some scotch. Please make yourself at home. I wont be long at all.” She had decided to come over for a drink. I went to the kitchen and got to glasses for scotch, I filled them about half full. She had come over but why? Was she excepting something that I had no clue of. I mean, all I want to do is discus literature. I got lost in thought and realized that she was mocking me. She came here to tease me. She sat out there on my sofa waiting for her drink. Looking like she does. She deliberately took me from the outside world. “Was she ashamed of me?”, I wondered. No! She was ashamed of me. How can you love someone that your ashamed of? You can’t! Why did she torment me so, I had done nothing to deserve this. I was good to her. It is time, I will show her the truth in which she can not see by herself, I will help her. I walked into the living room and handed her the glass of scotch.
“So, what are we to discuss tonight Eric?” asked Suzie
“Oh I don’t know, Dostovesky maybe, perhaps Whitman or…”
“or what”
My breaths quickened to short gasps my heart beat ran faster and faster. A warm feeling fell over me, a terrified feeling, a feeling that something was not right. I was scared, what was he talking about, for the first time ever I feared Eric. Had he lost his mind? Or was he drunk? I calmly looked up at him. My body shook from fear.
“Er..Eric….what are you talking about?”
“You mock me, you love me, but you MOCK ME! I have done nothing to you and yet you mock me so!”
“Eric I don’t mock you. You are my friend.” I quietly stammered out “Eric, I want to leave” I stood up and walked to the door
“NO!” Eric shouted out at me
I stopped and trembled with fear. I slowly started to cry. “Eric I’m scared why…” He cut me off
“Do..don’t be scared you have no reason to be scared. I am only going to show you the truth about us.” Eric said to me in a low monotone voice. He said it starring at the floor and as if he were talking to himself.

Louie B. Tunnell


The following comments are for ""Tabby" Chp. 1-2"
by LouieLou

Not bad
This was a decent story. There are a lot of awkward constructions in it thought, both in the way the story unfolds and in certain sentences. One major thing I would suggest would be to delineate the differing perspectives more. It gets tiring to have to read back to see who is thinking and/or saying what at any given time. I would also suggest that you take apart a few of your more confusing sentences, which mostly occur when you switch from descriptive prose to someone's thoughts.
I'll also suggest to you what I suggest to most people whose stories are hard to follow: You might just need to slow down. Remember that you have plenty of time to get all your events out, and plenty of time to describe things. As it is, everything happens fairly quickly after the opening part of the story. Separate your events, provide a little more exposition or description of character, or even a little more thought, and you'll find that you can easily flesh out your story.
That said, your descriptions of people I thought were very good. You use some very poetic and vivid imagery to get certain things across, and at other times your descriptive prowess seems to fall at the wayside.
By way of helping your characters out, perhaps you might try putting more contractions like "I'll", or "you've" into their dialogue. If your purposely avoiding such things, then perhaps you could make their grammar more specific so that their speech comes across less like a mix of the colloquial and the proper, and more refined.

As it is, it's a good story, and you use an interesting device in your third party observer. Still, to me, it seems, you could make it much better by clearing up your grammar and structure and taking more time with your plot events and using your descriptive powers more strategically. All in all, not bad.


( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: November 14, 2004 )

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