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9.25

(4 votes)


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10Char
10PETERPAULINO
10poetryman
7Staggerlee

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Peresai Deri
(To sheild oneself)

Poor child,
He wants to rage
against years of institutionalised learning
against the subtle strings of society
against the blind faith of zealots
the bullshit of politicians
the worthlessness of words
in the absence of love.
He wants to shine
spreading out in all directions
like a golden sun,
stripping away distance - suspending time
touching all with delicate strokes
He wants to dance
Entwined within the thread of life
through the needles thinning eye
spinning eternally into the great outer abyss.
He wants to sing
with the fullness of the moon
and the brilliance of the stars.
He wants to love
with the passion of the storm
and the wildness of the winds
He wants to cry
for the souls he cruelly scarred
and he wants to cry
for the icy wall he built around his heart.




------
Like the grasses showing tender faces to each other, thus should we do, for this was the wish of the Grandfathers of the World.

Black Elk




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Comments

The following comments are for "Peresai Deri"
by Smithy

peresai deri.
Liked it, especially the last couple of lines. Reminds me of The Wall, but that's probably just because I'm on a Pink Floyd kick right now. Bricks in the wall and all that.

He wants to shine
spreading out in all directions
like a golden sun,

Nice image. Well done.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: September 5, 2004 )

special/Smithy
This so well describes some of the people I see in my work. Sometimes they do get to shine. so very well done. huni.

( Posted by: huni [Member] On: September 6, 2004 )

Not bad
But not great either. This is a bit too rambling and long for this reader. Tighten up the good images you already have and you'll be onto something good.

( Posted by: Staggerlee [Member] On: September 6, 2004 )

another brick
Thanks Die D. I was definately thinking along those same lines when I was writing this. Maybe even a bit of a homage to Pink Floyd and The Wall, which has always been a favourite of mine.
Thanks Huni. I wonder whether you see both men and women because when I first wrote this it came out from a woman's perspective but I changed it everywhere from "she" to "he"? I think maybe I saw it like the anima or feminine part of the male but being repressed or constrained by environment and learning.
Thanks Staggerlee. I'm not happy with the flow from lines three to six where it changes into a more regular format or the last two. It says what I wanted to but a bit sloppily. I think I needed a few other eyes to gain perspective though, so thanks. I think you and Die are right. Some good images and parts kept and the rest made a bit smoother and precise.
Thanks
smithy

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: September 6, 2004 )

Smithy
Very nice and brave of you to always try new things. Thanks for the comments to Huni, somehow it helps me enjoy the reading more, seeing what you said should be found. I could have been this child, and it could have been you... it could have been him and her... but most of all, this poem touched my soul.

Thanks Mick for this one.

( Posted by: PETERPAULINO [Member] On: September 6, 2004 )

thanks peter
I'm glad you enjoyed and it touched you. Yes, it really could be or is meant to be anyone regardless of gender. That's what I felt and thought and so I changed she to he. Good fun to try new things. ;) See how it turns out. Usually something unexpected happens too. Thanks again. mick

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: September 6, 2004 )

Peresai Deri
A most touching write from the catchy beginning to the last uniquely-crafted line.

Thanks,
Char

( Posted by: Char [Member] On: September 6, 2004 )

Thanks char,claire and tina
Thanks all for taking the time to read and comment. I am glad you enjoyed Char. It's a nice bonus for me too that Semptember 6 was my birthday and I received all these lovely comemnts so thanks. ;)
Thanks for your high praise Claire. I have had problems with this computer too which limits my time reading and commenting and quite frankly "it sucks". ;( I hope things are going smoother for you Claire. Thanks again. Much appreciated.
Thanks Tina. I have read your pieces on the children in russia which I thought you handled very well if I can't get there to comment before my computer freezes up again. Thanks for your comments and thoughts on the flow.
Thanks all again
smithy

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: September 6, 2004 )

wow
actually I was this child for many a day, however I could have never expressed it so eloquently. nicely done and thanks for reminding me why I write......Bob:)

( Posted by: poetryman [Member] On: September 7, 2004 )

thanks poetryman
Thanks Bob. I'm sure you would have expressed it your own way with its own eloquence. I'm glad you enjoyed and could relate to it. Thanks for reading and commenting. cheers. smithy.

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: September 8, 2004 )

Well done
I'm still this child sometimes! Or just a child. Something like that.

Well crafted, and I thought it flowed well, actually. It may be that Staggerlee and I read with different tones and inflections. That can make a difference.

This is a poem that I'll be thinking about for days to come I think. That sort of writing.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: September 9, 2004 )

inner children
Thanks Viper and Lilia. Yes Lilia that is a great compliment. Thankyou. It makes it worthwhile as a writer to know you have gathered something of the essence and touched someone with it. Good to know about the flow too. Thanks to you both. I am glad you enjoyed. smithy.

( Posted by: Smithy [Member] On: September 9, 2004 )





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