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8.5

(2 votes)


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8Odysseus
9Viper9

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I'm not shaking anymore...

The caffine buzz is really wearing off...

But now I'll never sleep,
because...

you got into my mind.

It's hard to admit...in a blatant way
the committment that I
(never)
made

Or really what I mean to say...

Well...

just forget it

I love you anyway.

------
"God grant me distraction."
-Zampano


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Comments

The following comments are for "Coffee Splattered Soul Revival"
by Darkshine Raven

Nice Darkshine
I haven't had the chance to read all your poems but several...I liked this one...I like the way you wrote it just like you were talking, with pauses,,,nicely done Darkshine.

Dar

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: September 2, 2004 )

liked the title, though.
nice to see you posting again. i liked this, but wished there was more to it. seems like it could be better fleshed out, it doesn't have the powerful ending. one line stanzas don't seem very necessary either. sorry, just my opinion...

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: September 2, 2004 )

Darkles!!
Great to have you back! Nifty poem. More like a letter than a poem, I guess. Actually, more like a hastily scrawled note -- but I love it anyway! Very cool. Actually, I think what I like best about this is its deceptive casualness.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: September 3, 2004 )

A note
I'm agreeing with DD & Viper, this seems like a note and not really a poem, but what's the difference? There is certainly more to be added here.

( Posted by: Odysseus [Member] On: September 3, 2004 )

DD, Jessica, Viper, ect...
Thank you all for your comments. I agree with you about the word Jessica...I orignially had "snuck" in there. It seemed too rough though. I liked "crept" though. Very nice.

But as far as it needing fleshed out, I really don't think it does. Sometimes there isn't too much more that you can say. This is definitely a good description of how I felt at the time. =D

The conversational tone...with the pauses...that's what I was trying to emphasize. I was just mulling things over in my mind.

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: September 6, 2004 )

hastily scrawled
DS~

I would have to agree that this seems like a hastily scrawled note, with the appropriate pauses to consider between sentences. It works to good effect though and gives this piece a tone it would lack had it been formatted differently.

It's beautiful in it's rambling simplicity and truth drips from the edges.

Good work, and welcome back.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: September 8, 2004 )

Bart!
Hey there! *hugs*

I'm glad you liked my little poem/note. I think the key to getting it is realizing that I wrote exactly how I was thinking. I'm glad you picked up on that (on some level).

It's definitely been too long for me to be away and I'm so glad to see everyone so positive and helpful around here.

Thanks as always guys! =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: September 9, 2004 )

Thanks Claire!
Thank you so much. It's glad to know I've been missed. I miss you all too! =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: September 9, 2004 )





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