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10Dareva

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on the warm brown skin
of a djembe drum
a gecko blinks


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The following comments are for "skin"
by sahelsteve

warm brown skin
Oh, Steve, this is so rich and warm...

Lush, full imagery. However, it does read a bit sentence like, which should be avoided in good haiku. You lose the 'aha' moment that way.

This could be fixed with a small bit of change and paring back-- perhaps something like this...

warm brown skin
on a djembe drum
the gecko blinks


I this keeps your imagery and meaning, while losing the sentence-like structure.

Just a suggestion to keep or toss...

Regards,

Melinda

( Posted by: Serenem [Member] On: August 27, 2004 )

Steve/lovely
You keep doing it don't you, creating wonderful images that intrigue, thank you, huni.

( Posted by: Huni [Member] On: August 27, 2004 )

serenem
Thanks for this suggestion, Serenem. I did not realise that haiku should not read like a sentence but I am sure you are right - the changes you made do improve the 'aha' factor as you say. Thanks ever so much.

( Posted by: sahelsteve [Member] On: August 27, 2004 )

Skin....
I wrote a poem called Skin! I saw this and thought, oh they've made a mistake and reposted it!!!

I love Haiku, it always makes me smile as a form of poetry and this is no exception.

Alex :-)

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: August 27, 2004 )

Steve's Skin
Wonderful haiku Steve. Short, yet tells me a story I can visualize, even to feel the heat of the sun that tans the warm brown skin.

Darlene

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: August 27, 2004 )

Am I the only one
Am I the only one who reads these haikus and goes, "So?"

It must be me. I just don't get the whole genre or style or whatever it is. How can one write a bad haiku? And if a bad one can't be written, how can you tell if it's any good? I would love it if someone could explain this to me.

( Posted by: Odysseus [Member] On: August 27, 2004 )

P.S.
If you can explain this whole thing to me, I'd appreciate it.

odysseus@warwick.net

( Posted by: Odysseus [Member] On: August 27, 2004 )





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