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I sit here quiet now,
in the warm morning breeze.
Patiently looking for the culprit.
Checking each moon matching edge.
Running my tongue gently around each one,

I fall back smiling
on your still warm pillow
and kiss the nail
that made the wild calligraphy
across your back.

Have a nice day.

Not the poem which we have read, but that to which we return, with the greatest pleasure, possesses the power and claims the name of essential poetry.

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The following comments are for "Ouch!"
by Huni

Lovely, sensual poem. I love the contrasts between smooth and rough, gentleness and wildness. And I like the way the protagonist is so unrepentant at the end!

Two tiny criticisms - I think 'culprit' in line 3 is a bit cliched, and perhaps 'mark' in line 12 is weak. I don't know.

Okay, I'm off for a manicure...

( Posted by: sahelsteve [Member] On: August 24, 2004 )

I felt the same about 'mark', culprit tho'? I'l have to think about that one. Any suggestions for replacing mark? thanks for the critique and reading me. huni.

( Posted by: huni [Member] On: August 24, 2004 )

even if it(mark) is cliched, it still is appropriate unless you want to take this poem to another level.--- gouge? maybe "sinner" for culprit. in any case it's a really good poem huni.


( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: August 24, 2004 )

Provocative... I LIKE... The only thing that seemed out of place (unless you said it to him as he walked out, headed for work) is the title...

"Ouch" or "Culprit" would have been a better grabber I think...

Exciting and Well written... I applaud you...

( Posted by: daprdan [Member] On: August 24, 2004 )

Ow! charlie, gouge! I'll keep it at this level eh? lol.
Windchime, you are welcome.
daprdan, (do you have a soggy bottom) Re the title, I may change it yet. It did worry me. That is why I had the last line in italics, to show that she says it to him under her breathe after he has left. I think I may pull it off later and go with "Ouch", as that has an extra meaning. Thank you, every one for your interest in this little piece. Still can't believe I am taken seriously as a writer here. I LOVE this place ~smile~ huni.

( Posted by: Huni [Member] On: August 24, 2004 )

I can only say that this is a good piece, very sensual and sweet. Just like love and making it should always be passionate even afterwards. I am giving this a nine until you could think of something to replace mark and culprit, i wouldn't have noticed them if i'd been the first one to find this. thank you, and i thought this one was renae's poem lol.

( Posted by: PETERPAULINO [Member] On: August 25, 2004 )

culprit and mark
I don't know about culprit - I just feel it's an overused word. How does 'rogue' or 'offender' grab you? You would need to rework the line because neither of the above would scan well in context - 'patiently seeking the offender'??

'mark' is tricky. I like in cases like this, but it didn't inspire me much with its variations on mark. So how about scratchmark? Anything to help us visualise the mark. Or you could go for something completely metaphorical - hieroglyphics is a nice word!!

( Posted by: sahelsteve [Member] On: August 25, 2004 )

Goodness! I never even thought of that angle, I guess I'm pretty gullible in things like that. I am really intrigued by your view of it tho'. It is constantly amazing how many interpretations of a poets work there are.
"You kiss the nail that unloaded his guilt", has a real poetic sound to it by the way, nice. Thanks for reading this Fairplay. warm regards huni.

( Posted by: huni [Member] On: August 28, 2004 )

Steve I think I like the wild hieroglyphics on you back. Nice touch.

Peter thank you for your comment, it seems everything I do is sweet. How would you describe my poem in the light thread, I call it the light house, I was trying to get away from my sweet reputation and use light to feel a certain darkness, I would appreciate a thought from you. I admire the way other writers can go outside their usual mode and do something different. I usually end up being funny instead of dark and angsty. Not complaining just very curious as to the crafting of poetry. thanks Peter, I have rambled now haven't I?
warmest - huni.

( Posted by: huni [Member] On: August 28, 2004 )

Please go to Claire's page, Light Thread Comments and read what I had to say. Thanks.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: August 28, 2004 )

Huni, my dear, who is saucy now???? My kind of poem! LOL


( Posted by: nae411 [Member] On: August 28, 2004 )

I hope you already checked my comment to your light thread part. Take care. Peter

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: August 28, 2004 )

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