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Long blonde hair,
Bright blue eyes,
A perfect body,
What a great disguise.

She seems so perfect,
She seems so sweet,
She’s got the whole world at her feet.

But when she goes home,
It’s time to realise,
That daddy’s gone,
And she’s left with lies.

A baby brother,
With no father,
A drunken mother,
Who’s never sober.

This poor girl,
Will never know,
All the wonders of the world,
Never go to her school prom,
Never be loved ,
And never belong.

Now five years later,
There she sits,
All alone,
Craving her next hit.

She takes a knife,
And holds it up,
To the light,
And begins to cut.

She feels the pain,
That she’d felt long before,
Going home to her mother,
Drunk on the floor.

Her life slips away,
But she is not sad,
She doesn’t feel the pain in her hand.

For now she is free,
To live without fear,
Knowing that God,
Will soon be near.

You laugh because i'm different, I laugh because you're all the same.

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The following comments are for "Popular Girl"
by BabyPink

Stephanie, you have strong feelings about your subject matter, perhaps less would impact more? Nice paradox of good-looker, sweet personality with tragic home-life.
1st three verses are excellent, tight, good rhythm
and your rhyme pattern holds well. Although your 2nd verse only has 3 lines, I don't think it spoils the scan.
4th verse is still good and tight but your rhyming has shifted from 2nd and 4th lines to 1st and 3rd.
5th verse, your 1st 4 verses have already painted a picture with great skill, perhaps this verse could go?
7th verse, has near-rhymes on the end of all the lines, not a disaster, but should be watched for.
9th verse (nearly finished, *big cheesy grin*)
3 lines again.
10th verse, she's killed herself, but can 'live without fear'? I think you mean 'now her soul is free etc.'? yesno?
This is a tragic and all too familiar tale
nowadays. Our world is becoming a Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel and Babylon wrapped up into one miserable existence. Children are killing themselves over exam results, becoming alcoholic, drug-addicted, pregnant.
Please don't feel I'm being too critical about your work. I try to offer honest and constructive critcism as best I can. Your voice is worth nurturing. You and yours represent our future and the legacy is grim.
Anyway, always look on the bright side of life and don't expect the Spanish Inquisition (very British cultural references).
Keep writing and take care.
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: ogg [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

Your first stanza got me. We forget sometimes even the lovely people have pain that is hiding behind their pretty outsides. You made me think that assumptions we make about the popular and beautiful can cause us to ignore their suffering. That is a terrible prejudice and a terrible price to have to pay for looking great on the outside. The others said what needed to be said about your writing, I just wanted you to know that what you said had an important message and was noticed. huni.

( Posted by: Huni [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

Thank - you
First I'd like to say that this poem isn't about me...... I woz popular at school but i also had my fair share of fall out's, but I did see some of the pain in my friends eyes which made realise that even the people we assume are perfect arn't, luckily my mom is great and although we have our ups and downs, we are always ok!!!

This poem wasn't about anyone in particular but was based on different individules.
Thank - you to everyone who commented, I found it all very usefull and look forward to submiting more poems to hear the feedback.
Ciao x

( Posted by: BabyPink [Member] On: August 24, 2004 )

Tina please!
I actually blushed on reading your comment, thanks - mhuaa, mhuaa.
Stephanie, I know your Mum's biased in your favour, quite right too, but I'll say this - I started writing when I was 34. At 17, I had no idea what it was about, no thoughts about writing at all. I hope you carry on writing even after your baby's born. In fact writing everything down when you have a spare five seconds could be worth its weight in baby-food.
Take care, God bless
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: ogg [Member] On: August 27, 2004 )

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