Stained Glass Saint
by peterpaulino (Member) - published: August 23, 2004
Word Count: 149 Word Bytes: 1136 Viewed: 1749 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by peterpaulino

8.59

(32 votes)

Rating	Rated by

8	arc

7	Bartleby

8	Beatrice Boyle

9	bissme

9	chapter1

9	Clairesbest

10	daprdan

10	DEMONeyesBLUE

6	eleutheromaniac

8	etienne

7	Galvatron

8	Idomis

7	Jessicanm

10	londongrey

10	MzJen1

9	nae411

9	Nitz Kitty

9	Odysseus

10	Penelope

8	penumbra

8	Prometheus ..

8	rcallaci

9	Searching4Ever

7	simone183

9	Smithy

9	Spider

8	Spudley

10	Staggerlee

10	tinalouise

9	Viper9

8	windchime

9	xeonman

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Let the pure kiss you
Saint Peter,
let the moonbeams
gently touch your head
radiating orange, red
ethereal lights
shining on my forlorn face;
transforming this man
from a mere mortal
to a perpetual work of art.

Dancing with you
as if joining you in afterlife—
my silhouette so outlined
with colors indigo and mauve;
my head borrowing halo,
my wicked heart
scheming for something—
perhaps a slot in heaven?

It is my soul that was stained
last night
and the ones before that
in the taverns
and caverns,
my stubborn flesh
led me to be
so far away from your lord.

Now, I can only seek shelter
under the roofs of your cathedral
but not anymore
under the grace of his love.

And though tainted I am,
bathe me with hallowed moonlights
filtered by your shoulders and arms.
Make me beautiful
if only for tonight
and artificially.

------
*************************************
crystal face I kiss
tongue tastes like sweet cold rain
I fall into pond

Comments

The following comments are for "Stained Glass Saint"
by peterpaulino

lesser redemption
So sad. You write pathos well. Kudos!

( Posted by: Idomis [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

Another new beginning...
Peter, just offering a hearty handshake and a wholly heartfelt 'Namaste' before this Write-Off really gets started. This is a great topic, and I'm really looking forward to what this week brings the both of us.

William

( Posted by: the Co.konspirator [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

Write Off/Peter
Peter, a beautiful poem. Both you and CoK used the colors of the stained glass in a slightly different way, but equally effectively. I like the "Saint Peter" reference very much...and the way you danced with willing acceptance in the softened light even for a night, and artificially. A beautiful job. This was a very hard write off to judge...

Claire

( Posted by: Clairesbest [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

Peter's write off...
I mentioned before that you seem to have leapt to a new level in your writing and this is absolute proof. Making the line "transforming this man
from a mere mortal
to a perpetual work of art." so perfectly apt as a description for you. Your poetry is like your soul Peter....perfectly formed, colourful and vivid. I love this theme and what you did with it. Namaste

( Posted by: tinalouise [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

Hate to do it
Ok I hate to not be able to pick them both but the truth is I just don't believe in doing it that way. I'm sorry my friend you had to receive the lesser point in this battle. I felt your poem was forced in areas and that's something i've never been able to get past. It's not a bad piece but prehaps outside of the write off you could have the time needed to round off the edges.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

Write-off/Peter
I would've given this a 7, but then I would've had to have given Co.K's an 8, because I believe his was just a notch above. And I'm not sure that Co.K's was quite an 8.

The opening five line were great, but I felt it went downhill after that. Like Jess, I felt some of it was just too forced. And, for me anyway, it just didn't seem to flow.

( Posted by: eleutheromaniac [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

st peter/writeoff
Let me first state that this is a beautiful poem. The first stanza was breathtaking.

All poetry to a certain extent is forced and I don't think your was overtly so but if one has to nitpick and score it like in the olympics then in some places you were slightly forced.

I loved the pathos and sadness to the piece of one who feels to damned to be loved. I only wish you left the last line out."and artificially" it was implied throughout the piece and it detered from the flow.

So for these little flaws I can only reward you the silver although it was quite close to the gold. As I said before you are a grand talent you have a gentle touch. 8.999

warmest regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: August 23, 2004 )

peter write-off
I would probably have given this a 10 if it weren't in a write-off, but because it is, I have to compare it and decide which poem I like best and I like william's poem better:
1- this address/appeal by the profane, the fallen-from-grace, to the sacred leaves me somewhat wanting
2- the stained glass is concrete and face-value
3- the progression is choppy, lacks a sense of cosmic flow to it
4- you opt for the artificial beauty of remaining tainted
So, with doubts about both process and content, I couldn't give you the higher score. Please see my comments on william's entry: they address, in part, the opposite of what I found here.
Thanks for the honesty in this one.
Lucie

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

heart & soul
Peter, what shone through, for me, in this poem was the connections between the faithful and the holy. I doubt I could ever think of stained glass without thinking first of the churches and cathedrals which bring this artform to it's zenith. While reading your poem I thought of the rose window in St. Alban's, where it's said the first British Christian was martyred.

Of the two poems, this one has more heart and soul. It reflects the humanity of man and how we interact with our 'god'.

To me, heart and soul rate higher than any other poetic commoditiy. You capture the essence of our insignificance in the larger scope of what's considered holy. I'm not that religious but it's of little consequence. Your poem moved me Peter and that's what counts.
10/10

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

beautiful
A beautiful poem, Peter. You have a way with imagery that few others manage, and a gift for reflective sorrow and regret. There were a couple of lines that, I agree with those above, seemed a little forced, so that's why I dropped it to a nine. But I thoroughly enjoyed it.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

I, On The Other Hand...
Felt the very beginning a bit rough but by the 7th line it seemed to flow better and you visualized for me your shadow, sharing the reflected light and in your heart wanted your spot in heaven... but in the remainder explained why you thought it not possible...

My favorite was

"It is my soul that was stained
last night
and the ones before that
in the taverns
and caverns,
my stubborn flesh
led me to be
so far away from your lord."

Seemingly wanting redemption for the things in your past...

All in all I liked this one best... a 10 in my book...

( Posted by: daprdan [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

Hard choice.
Well, I've given you the better score for this write off, but it was a tough choice. I found I was more able to get to grips with your poem than with you competitor's one; it seemed to be more fully expressed.

Both were good poems though - it was another excellent write off, and well matched as ususal.

Well done :)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: August 24, 2004 )

ohmygawd
Very very nice, Peter. The second stanza is so moving. Thanks for sharing this!

( Posted by: lasher [Member] On: August 24, 2004 )

Stain Glass/Peter
I had to debate myself about this. I wanted to be sure I was being 100% non biased. Both poems were very good, at the end I give you the nod, because I can relate to it better. I too see a church in my minds eye when I think of stain glass. Great job!

Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: August 24, 2004 )

it haunts me still
Peter

Your poem still stays in my mind. The image you created is a lasting one of the tainted and unloved one. I may have mis-scored. This is so like the olympics, is it not?

warmest regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: August 24, 2004 )

very moving and touching
you have certain way with words. i wish i can be colourful with my words the way you used in your poems. very touching poems. my favourite line is Make me beautiful
if only for tonight

lovely poems.

( Posted by: bissme [Member] On: August 24, 2004 )

That's my boy!
Peter...so sorry this is so late in coming, but I've been having a frustrating couple of days trying to log on to (and staying on) Lit.

This was a beautiful effort, and had such an ethereal ring to it...the colors leapt off the page. Well done! Without prejudice...William's was lovely also...you get the nod on this one.

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: August 25, 2004 )

may i step in
my shift key seldom works, pardon me for the lower casing. i dont know the rules in write off whether i should already be stepping in and say my thanks. anyway, i am saying it now to readers and commenters of both mine and williams. like what william said, this is definitely going to bring us something new by the end of the week, in fact, it already did now, this is the first time my work received with so much attention, im blown away. i'd like to reiterate what bartleby was usually saying in write offs, that if someone has rated or commented one piece, he should also go to the other piece and rate and comment as well. thank you.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: August 25, 2004 )

soft and soulful
Very nice Peter. A soft ethereal feel that is deeper in emotional confict whereas the other poem is more vivid and descriptive. A 9 for yours and an 8 though they were both excellent. smithy

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: August 25, 2004 )

sooo close...
The religious guilt is sad. nice poem but voting number 2...

( Posted by: Galvatron [Member] On: August 25, 2004 )

Here are my thoughts...
... if they can truelly be called that. I have to admit that, by no fault of your own, I hold bias against poems with lines about stained souls. It just seems like a description that's been done and done to death. HOWEVER (here's the catch), in this case I was able to make exception upon second reading by applying the phrase to the theme, which it fits. In fact, I think a poem of this theme should be the only kind to use such a phrase, lest one become a goth cliche. Now... um... sorry, got on a tangent and lost my point. Ah, yes, while I can accept a lot of the wording (such as that previously mentioned) as it applies to the theme, I can't seem to overcome my biases enough to fully LIKE them. I loved what you were saying, just, in places, I couldn't bring myself to love how you said it. I have not yet experienced the other poem in this contest, so I'll reserve numerical judgement for such a time. Thanks for sharing your work!

( Posted by: Spider [Member] On: August 25, 2004 )

Peter
It is my soul that was stained
last night
and the ones before that
in the taverns
and caverns,
my stubborn flesh
led me to be
so far away from your lord

This was by far my favourite stanza. I loved the almost msytical way in which you wrote this piece and it had some real originality. I have never thought about my soul being tainted before.

There is growing amount of intensity within your work that is becoming more and more apparent, it is good to see that you are really opening up with your feelings and emotions.

Alex :-)

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: August 26, 2004 )

Sacred mood
Really liked it. I would have droppped the last line, nevermind. good one

( Posted by: DrKilldare [Member] On: August 26, 2004 )

Well Done
I have really enjoyed this write-off. It is unfair for me to pick between the two. With that being said, I had to give the advantage to the other in this case. I got into at the first, but towards the middle I was felt a little lost. I look forward to more of your work.

( Posted by: Prometheus Proffet [Member] On: August 26, 2004 )

Dear Matt and Everybody
Matt, thank you for inviting me to join this write-off. Truly a wonderful experience. Something that I will be proud about. I look forward to commenting and rating in the next write-offs.

Thank you very much to the members and staff who commented and rated. This is so much fun, I also get to know some other members here in Lit. I promise to read your writings too and maybe comment on them. I really appreciate this, hope to see you again in the next write-offs.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: August 30, 2004 )

Peter...
A gracious handshake, as well as a respectful bow to you, after this week. I think it was pretty much hell on both of us, trying to keep calm while this was going on. I have to commend you on your piece. I really enjoyed it, and, while I was extremely proud of my piece, I knew you would give me a run for my money. Well fought, old boy! Now, get some rest...I couldn't think enough this week to write, I was so nervous...but you've been still writing and commenting like mad. Amazing!

Thank you for providing this piece, a nice contrasting yang to my yin. I know you put your all into it, and am proud to call you friend, as well as rival.

I bow to you, my friend,
William

( Posted by: the Co.konspirator [Member] On: August 30, 2004 )

peter
This is my third time around. Your piece haunts me. I now think this is a little masterpiece

"And though tainted I am,
bathe me with hallowed moonlights
filtered by your shoulders and arms.
Make me beautiful
if only for tonight
and artificially."

The more I read this the more I'm moved by it. I also kind of like the last line it grew on me. My score if I could change it would now be a 10. You made a beautiful poem.

warmewst regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: August 31, 2004 )

Bob
Thank you very much for the thought. Thank you...

( Posted by: PETERPAULINO [Member] On: September 1, 2004 )

hey man good stuff
I liked this man, really tight. Moving like a wind

ToM

( Posted by: DEMONeyesBLUE [Member] On: September 1, 2004 )

haunting
I agree with Bob Peter. It has a quality that one can't easily forget. It caught me up immediately but I've got some stained glass memories of my own. :-)

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: September 1, 2004 )

evocative
beautifully touching. this is a good one.

( Posted by: penumbra [Member] On: September 1, 2004 )

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